So, I Called Sarah Palin...

Yesterday, I called Sarah Palin to see if she would mind explaining some of the points she was trying to make in her resignation speech on Sunday. As a concerned and patriotic American citizen I felt it was my duty to follow up on this matter. Indeed, I had no choice--I was compelled to do this.

Below is the phone call transcript:

Zirgar: Hello, may I speak with Mrs. Sarah Palin?

Voice on other end: This is she, how may I help ya? Support the troops!

Zirgar: Yeah, uh...Hi. My name is, uh... Zirgar, and I'm a concerned, private citizen and I was just wanting to hear for myself what it is you were trying to say in your resignation speech on Sunday. I don't trust the liberal media to allow your words to go unfiltered and unmoderated, so here I am coming to the source...

Palin: Oh, gosh. I guess so. It sure was pretty self-explanatory, but if ya want I can clear everything up for ya. Before I begin though, my kids are off limits.

Zirgar: I agree. I'd certainly never make more out of them than you feel inclined to do for your own benefit. Anyway, thank you. I'd really appreciate hearing your clarification.

Palin: Good. Oh, sure. Ya betcha. So, where do I begin? Let me start off last by saying that well, although it's a rim shot that casts balance off the politics as usual side of the bus to foment the dry mouthed crisis of the wintry road that leads lame duck politicians to where we need solace and belly dancing as per, yadda, yadda, yadda, do nothing goober peas of full insight that measures us against itself and not much.

Zirgar: Huh?

Palin: What?

Zirgar: With all due respect Mrs. Palin, what did you just say?

Palin: When?

Zirgar: Just now. Can you clarify your clarification?

Palin: Oh, for sure. Gosh, I love Alaska so we're not going to be not what we are to feel now our true things that see Democracy's light so we can go and stop end of term status quo that's out of baby dimples that make sure we're thrashing good old American hardwood bits when we've gone and been the tried and true of the love of the troops! With distributed cans of juicy walrus meat for little Hollywood starlets to make good momma grizzlies feel the need to be sure there was not any kind of happening idea values to confuse position flexibles or fill in heads of bad vibes and woodpeckers with. And also blippity blappity mavericky doo.

Zirgar: I'm not sure you're speaking English. Is that Aleut you're speaking?

Palin: Let me just say, in fact, straight talk per Washington insiders drawing in some of the biased East Coast liberal media elite point guards on full court press slam dunks within the aluminum foil lecture circuits! Cap and tax burning away many oil farms in delightful Denali tourist industry profits from continued Alaska independence in roughing it for sparking off optimistic wilderness wonderland of dead catfish going with the flow as funded by the government handout socialists in positive newspaper headlines who are saying double duty oil drilling rocker docker flicker flippity jippity zippity floo into the future and behind in. And one more thing--Oh, look! Is that one of those blacks? (speaking away from phone) Todd, we have the blacks up here now? What? Oh, she's just a reporter? Dang. Anyway, now where was I? Oh, yeah--

Zirgar: Uggghhh! Never-fucking-mind!

I could hear her still blathering away as I hung up the phone and promptly vomitted.