RUSH LIMBAUGH CAUGHT IN PATHETIC SEX SCANDAL, LITERALLY WITH HIS PANTS DOWN. PITY, HILARITY ENSUE!

In a tale too hilarious even for GOP standards, radio personality and all around swell guy, Rush Limbaugh, is embroiled in a scandal, in what some are calling Limbaugh's "gay haze". It seems that the Jeff Christie part of Rush Limbaugh never really went away as Limbaugh was arrested for harassing strippers at a gay gentleman's club called The Mandango in downtown Palm Beach, Florida on Friday.

According to club owner, Guy Twohy, Limbaugh came in alone and sat in the back in a darkened corner, ordered a couple of drinks, and began smoking a cigar. "The only reason I remember his entry is that he came in as he always does, but this time he had on a nice suit and a big clown nose and cat rimmed glasses disguise. He had to use straws in his drinks (due to the mask) and that was odd for him, but nothing really outrageous. It seemed harmless; I mean, I was just glad to see him fully clothed for once, so I didn't think anything else of it. Rush is a strange guy but he always tips good and treats the guys really well, especially Darla, the Israeli pre-op tranny, so why should I care if he has on a clown face," said Twohy?

But according to eyewitnesses Limbaugh was drinking heavier than usual and began to become very agitated. Reportedly, he would periodically shout at the strippers, "I got a stimulus package for you", or "If politics makes for strange bedfellows, well, how about it?", or "I feel like a new man, know where I can find one?", or "I haven't been feeling myself lately; mind if I feel you instead?" Several frustrated club patrons confronted Limbaugh in an attempt to get him to calm down but he just laughed, got up and pushed past them to get up on the stage where he began to harass stripper Mike Jones. At first Jones thought it was somewhat humorous as the situation was a bit confusing, but as soon as Limbaugh dropped his own pants and underwear (in a remarkably quick maneuver), touched Jones and began to sing the chorus to It's Raining Men, the exotic dancer whirled around and kicked the offender in the groin. According to witnesses it was a very well aimed kick, and had to be, because Limbaugh's package is abnormally small, even for a Republican. Limbaugh dropped to the floor of the stage, whereupon he was grabbed by bouncers and carried out of the side doors and dumped in the alley where he remained, laying like a deboned fish until the police arrived (pun intended).

According to early reports coming out of the Palm Beach Police Department, Limbaugh had had a really bad day leading up to the gentleman's club incident. He had gotten hold of a bad batch of Oxycontin and it made him trip out somewhat, causing him to whoosh about defecating on several people's lawns and shrubbery throughout the day, and later on when the alcohol was mingled with the Oxycontin it caused Rush to blow a gasket and drop his inhibitions which in turn caused him to drop his trousers, and finally his dignity. When asked about the disguise, Police Chief James Agger replied that Limbaugh had confided to detectives that, "...he knew that the great love of his life, Ronald Reagan, was watching him from above and he didn't want Him to think that he, Rush, was cheating on Him, but at the same time Rush couldn't not go and try to get some, so he tried to disguise himself. Of course, he was off his gourd from the bad Oxycontin, but I'm sure it made sense to him at the time. It might explain some of the other things he thinks and says on a regular basis though too, but that's another story, I guess..."

No direct comment from Limbaugh as of yet, but when we find out something you'll be the first to know, good readers.