HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! A Conservative Women's Calendar!?? Yeah, Right. They Always Say That And It Ends Up Being Photos Of Squirrels Fucking A Titmouse.

You've read about it. You've heard rumors about it. Now you can see it for yourselves. The Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute and Libertarian Livestock Quarterly Magazine have teamed up to bring you the 2010 Conservative Women's Calendar. Now every month you can be exposed to conservatism and not feel guilty about it because it's women this time! WOMEN! Well, mostly. Anyway, this calender will boost your morale and morals, even as it shames you into fiscal responsibility for not reusing that same special jerkoff napkin every time. Each month has a different conservative woman, along with her description and a horoscope for that month, so enjoy and be sure to wash afterwards!

Thank you, Clare Boothe Luce. Nothing personifies conservatism better than an elegantly attired dead white person, and you're the deadest.

January horoscope: You'll feel kinda bad part of the time, but at other times you'll feel pretty good.





Who says conservative women can't be sexy and intelligent? Well, okay, but thanks to Kate Obenshain, the founder of the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute, you can decide for yourself. Out to prove that conservative women can elicit more than just anger and condescension from their own men, she's succeeded in showing they can also draw forth laughter and vomit from the rest of us.

February horoscope: A lemur will kill you with a rock filled tube sock.


Unsure of your sexual preference? Well, heeeeeere's Ann Coulter. The offspring of an Afghan hound and The Fountainhead, she excites and teases with her wit, charm and ovotestes. While her gender is unclear, his ideology isn't; she's all Galt. Truly one of a kind!

March horoscope: You will find that having opposable thumbs will be too much responsibility.




Asian Malkin was born in the Phillipine jungle to a white pagan couple who adopted her from a Moro tribe, as depicted in the film Apocalypse Now. Today, though still a little brown foreigner, she's all growed up and fully Americanish. Able to overcome objective reality and truth with her blogs and books, she's a beacon of light for people who feel fettered by such constraints.

April horoscope: Feta cheese will find its way into your Greek salad. Why?



We don't really know who this is, but we needed 12 women for the calendar, so, well, there you have it. Had to cast a wider net, as it were, and dredged this up. She may be the cafeteria lady at the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute. Or a hooker. Whatever.


May horoscope: You will get a blister on your forehead in the shape of Ronald Reagan. Get ointments and call Politico.



This is another filler female. It's not easy finding 12 neocon women that don't look like Karl Rove in drag, so we had to farm out the month of June to the fry cook at the local KFC. She loves long walks, puppies, scraping people's genitals with clam shells and being called a skank. Talk about diversified interests! And she has all of her vaccinations! She's one finger lickin' good filly.

June horoscope: Your life will spiral downward into an unending miasma of bandages and cornish game hens.


Born to a family of naked, inbred Sasquatch in the forrested highlands of Mordor, Bachmann's political career was in fast food until she licked the backside of a woman she thought was Jesus. Undeterred by her complete lack of sanity, she entered the national political scene, where ironically, her many limitations and her unique comedy stylings make her a standout inside the beltway.

July horoscope: You will be declared the new George Lucas by the press, only to have God kill you and say, "Not again. Never again."



Like your conservatism with a couple of silicone dollops? Well then, have we got the woman for you! The liberal media elites did their best to destroy her by trying to make her look really, really stupid, but she outfoxed them and did it just fine on her own, embodying true conservative self-reliance in the process. She's self-made! Well, except for her tits.

August horoscope: Sorry, due to technical difficulties, blah, blah, blah.



Awwwwww, here's Bay Bay Bu Bu, or has her friends call her, Conrad. Need a doppelganger for the transsexual Erwin in the great Werner Fassbinder film, In A Year of 13 Moons? Then look no further. Bay Bay is way way too too awesome in her dual role as herself! Great at parties, and what party isn't complete without a little gender confusion to liven things up? Hilarity!

September horoscope: I'm not sure, but that mole on your neck is really getting redder and redder...


Formed in the galactic core during the last Mayan calendar long count processional 26,000 years ago, Schlafly has been a thorn in the side of liberals ever since, which may explain the fate of those nasty Meso-American leftists, the Mayans. Still going strong, Schlafly likes to taunt worms, puree salamanders and roast children she traps in her gingerbread cottage in the woods.

October horoscope: You will move to a new town and it will force you to duck a lot.



After years of driving nails with her face and constantly being attacked by feral cats, Crupp decided to try her hand, and face, in a new arena: politics. Now driving people crazy with her conservative views, she's still constantly being attacked by feral cats, but now she just bites their heads off and feeds them to Jim DeMint. Such a good little neocon!

November horoscope: You better stow away a little money for an emergency. Oh, and your head will be crushed in a car door.


Oh! Almost forgot. We have a black one. Some of our best friends are black ones. No, really.

December horoscope: A new year is just around the corner. Hold on. HOLD ON!