Zirgar's Fresh New Brain Squeezin's!

Update: Holy Fucking Shit!

2010-07-10T01:30:00.002-04:00

A lot has happened to me in the last couple of months and none of it very good, but I guess it could be a lot worse. I'll just say that I've moved back to West Virginia with no job, no money, no prospects and no significant other; she broke it off with me, although it feels more like she broke it off in me. So I'm living on the good graces of my family with the hopes of starting my own business in the near future. Needless to say my mind hasn't been on blogging. I won't say this blog is finished, but for now it won't be high on my list of priorities. If anyone would like to do some guest blog posts here, contact me and I'll post your stuff. In fact, I'd be more than happy to do it. If you'd like for me to make you a sardonic poster, or Photoshop a picture, I'll do that too. Also, feel free to borrow anything from this blog that you want. I feel I owe some of you something tangible (at least) for all of the love and support you've given me over the last year or so. Hopefully, before too long I can get back to bashing those who need bashing and haranguing those who need haranguing. Until then, my mind will be elsewhere. Again, thank you all for your support.

SARDONIC POSTER - Retroactive NEOCONtinuity

2010-05-12T21:30:00.001-04:00

Sorry the animation is so gigantic but I had to host the GIF file over at Photobucket so I could cut and paste the HTML code in my blog, otherwise it won't animate if I upload it straight to Blogger. Now that I'm able to do animations I have a new way to express myself, and since I began my college career as an art student I may actually create some originals instead of just manipulating someone else's images. We'll see. Anyway, I hope you all like this new direction I'm taking. Peace.

Daily Thoughts - Drill, Baby! Drill!

2010-04-30T09:00:00.005-04:00

The philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer once quipped, "Martyrdom is the only way a man with no ability can become famous." Now, Schopenhauer died 100 years before Sarah Palin was born, so obviously he couldn't have had her in mind (especially with the pronouns), but I can't imagine anyone who more perfectly reflects the truth of his assessment. And in her case, the martyrdom is actually self-inflicted. Perfect!

If stupidity ever reaches 100 dollars a barrel, I'm buying the drilling rights on that woman's head!

Morning Music

2010-04-30T07:00:00.000-04:00

All Apologies

2010-04-28T10:15:00.004-04:00

I'm sorry for falling behind in my blogging duties, but the last couple of weeks I've had other matters on my mind; between the mine disaster, the death of my best friend's mom, and some other stuff I just haven't been in the proper frame of mind to do any postings, but I'll rectify that soon enough. There's still plenty to be pissed off about, so I'll be back to doing my thing as soon as possible. Promise. In the meantime, I hope everyone out there is doing as well as can be expected. Peace!

Morning Music

2010-04-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

Watch As The People Of Charleston, West Virginia, Effectively Counter-Protest Against Fred Phelps And His Westboro Baptist "Church". Brilliant!

2010-04-09T15:30:00.004-04:00

I can't tell you how proud I am of the good folks from my hometown of Charleston, WV, especially after seeing this video. They faced a monster and turned it out. Fred Phelps and his "church" are a disgusting brood of hate, filth and lies. And while his whole stance on homosexuality is particularly revolting, exploiting the current mining tragedy in Raleigh County (where 25 miners died) to further his own agenda is truly disgusting; one of Phelp's ugly little orclings has a sign that reads, "Thank God for Dead Miners." Simply nauseating and offensive. I still find it really hard to believe that Phelps was once a civil rights attorney. Despite that, I hope he burns in hell. I know I'm no better than he is for saying that, but I'm not the one using scripture as a basis for my rancor, hatred and bigotry.

Anyway, I'm just glad that my beloved hamlet of Charleston showed Phelps the fucking door. Of course, I know not everyone in West Virginia's a redneck bigot, but it's really nice to be able to show others the truth of it.

However, is it too much to ask that they not line dance or square dance on the steps of the Capitol Complex steps?

Please Remember The People Of West Virginia Today. Keep Them In Your Hearts And Minds.

2010-04-06T08:00:00.004-04:00

Not really in a mood to blog today due to my mind being preoccupied with the tragedy in my home state of West Virginia. I don't know anyone directly affected by the disaster, but I can tell you that there's not one West Virginian, whether by birth or by choice, who isn't still personally affected by it. From the northernmost point of the northern panhandle to the farthest eastern fringe of the eastern panhandle, down through to the southernmost tip of the southern coal fields, up and over to the western edge abutting Kentucky and Ohio, along the Ohio River, the entire populace is feeling the deep anguish of this devastating loss. And we West Virginians heretical enough to live elsewhere, also feel the pain, because, well, I'll let this quote by one of my favorite authors, Breece D'J Pancake, a fellow West Virginian (may he rest in peace), from a letter to his mother, explain it:

"I'm going to come back to West Virginia when this is over. There's something ancient and deeply-rooted in my soul. I like to think that I have left my ghost up one of those hollows, and I'll never really be able to leave for good until I find it. And I don't want to look for it, because I might find it and have to leave."

Amen.

Morning Music

2010-04-06T07:00:00.001-04:00

"Blood and Roses", by The Smithereens, from the album, Especially for You. Just a great fucking song. One of the best.

Daily Thoughts - Have Fun In Prison, Scott Roeder, But Guard Your Bunghole Like It's Your Most Precious Possession, You Murderous Shit Sack.

2010-04-05T09:00:00.024-04:00

I wonder what you defenders of Scott Roeder would think if someone, knowing Roeder was planning on killing Dr. Tiller, acted on that knowledge, stalked Roeder and killed him before he could commit his deed? I wonder if you would then protest against that person using a justifiable homicide defense, like Roeder did? Hmmm...

Also, stop calling Roeder an heroic figure who was willing to sacrifice his own freedom and life to save others. Horseshit! He sought a lesser sentence and tried to weasel out of accountability for his action by using the aforementioned justifiable homicide defense. That he sought any defense at all, shows just how cowardly and full of bullshit he is, and you are, so stop claiming he's a self-sacrificing hero for the unborn. That dog don't hunt.

I'm no fan of abortion, but it's a legally sanctioned medical procedure, one option among many between a woman and her doctor, and generally used as the very last resort (despite your misrepresentations to the contrary), with the ultimate, agonizing decision on the matter belonging to the woman. Dr. Tiller did nothing illegal. And if you claim the Bible says abortion is murder, prove it. The Bible is as murky as a muddy pool on the subject of abortion, especially regarding the nature of the fetus; both sides use scripture to make their own points on this subject. So use this as an excuse to actually go read your Bible instead of merely mouthing words you heard someone else toss in your direction.

Scott Roeder is nothing but a goddamned murderer and a fucking coward and he got his just reward. This time Lady Justice wasn't blind. No, she looked evil squarely in the face and meted out the right punishment in response. Fuck you, Roeder.

Morning Music

2010-04-05T07:00:00.001-04:00

Love and Rockets' remake of The Temptations' classic, "Ball of Confusion", from the sophomore album, Express, although it was originally released in the UK on L&R's debut album, Seventh Dream of Teenage Heaven.

With A Big Belly Full Of Bile, He Spreads His Hate With Both Panache And Guile; A Day In The Life Of Rush Limbaugh. Oink, Oink, Oink.

2010-04-01T09:00:00.006-04:00

Rush Limbaugh relaxing after a long, hard day full of race baiting, misogynistic tirades, homophobic ranting and his usual lighthearted, wacky hijinx. Seen here chillin' in his rustic, yet Caucasian only domicile, slobbering on a premium a-cigar-is-always-a-cigar-cigar, or as he refers to it off the record, "A nice fat Reagan dick", Limbaugh appears to be at peace, free from all of the concerns and horrors of reality, such as truth, decency and minorities. Ah, yes - it's a great time to be a societal tick bloated on the sacred blood of white resentment, bitterness and paranoia. Life is good.

Soo-WEE! It don't git no better 'nis!

Morning Music

2010-04-01T07:00:00.002-04:00

Junior Senior's terrific, "Move Your Feet", from the album, D-D-Don't Stop The Beat. I don't know about any of you, but I can't hear this song and not feel happy. It's just a fucking fun, feel good, have a great time kind of song. And if you don't think so too I'll brain you with a claw hammer!

Oh, settle down. I'm only kidding...

I'd use a tire iron.

SARDONIC POSTER--NEOCONTINENCE Edition

2010-03-31T09:00:00.009-04:00

Click on image to enlarge. Enjoy. Or not.

I could've used just about any right-winger's photo here, but I chose Palin because she's the most vivid example of the kind of anal orifice that unfailingly spews right-wing idiotic bullshit, and that's really saying a lot considering this is a group that includes the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Michele Bachmann, Michelle Malkin, Andrew Breitbart, Neal Boortz, Sean Hannity, Mark Levin, Michael Savage et al. And she's so deleteriously dimwitted and dependably doofy I felt obliged to do another post with her in it. She's the Old Faithful of GOP geyser gushing gobbledy goop.

Morning Music

2010-03-31T07:00:00.002-04:00

The achingly simple yet hauntingly beautiful, "Into Dust", from the wonderful Mazzy Star off the great CD, So Tonight That I Might See. One of my favorite songs of all time. I can listen to this from now to eternity. Hope Sandoval's voice is all gossamer beauty and heartbreak.

Daily Thoughts - If Andrew Breitbart Wants Proof Of GOP Racism, He Need Only Look In The Mirror To See Its Ugly Face

2010-03-30T09:00:00.010-04:00

Andrew Not-So-Breitbart says black Democrats walked by a teabagger protest crowd to provoke or incite racist reactions. I guess by that "logic", Emmett Till only spoke to that white woman in the hopes of being brutally beaten to death. So, the people who are objects of racism, are to blame for the racism, not the actual racists themselves? Well, that's certainly not a racist assertion or anything. And Breitbart says he left the Democratic party in 1996 because of its racism, which apparently means it wasn't racist enough to suit him. What a stupid, stupid, disgusting, stupid, racist shit pile. Fuck you, Breitbart, you fucking pig.

How dare they walk past us on their way to work and be black at the same time! How dare they!

Morning Monty

2010-03-30T07:00:00.012-04:00

"Archaeology Today" from Monty Python's Flying Circus. Possibly my favorite Python sketch. From Terry Gilliam's animated toe-nose to the violent climax, this is incredibly funny stuff. I always break into convulsive laughter whenever I see the scene with John Cleese, in pith helmet, standing in the excavation pit singing. Brilliant. Hilarious.

Daily Thoughts

2010-03-26T09:00:00.002-04:00

I know this will horribly affect how people judge my intellect and my rhetorical, analytical and literary skills, but the latter half of this week has brought one constant, overarching thought to the forefront of my brain, despite the great news on healthcare reform: FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK...it! There. That's better. Phew!

Morning Music

2010-03-26T07:00:00.001-04:00

"Death or Glory", by The Clash, from the fucking brilliant record, London Calling.

Sardonic Poster(s)--Extreme Exremism Edition

2010-03-25T09:00:00.001-04:00

I was in a funk and couldn't come up with anything I liked so when I was done I couldn't decide on which one to use, not that I think any of them are particularly good or bad, but my brain shut down and said, "Fuck it, just post 'em all". Anyway, if you're reading this you now have more options than you normally would. Fuck. Enjoy, I guess.

Morning Music

2010-03-25T07:00:00.002-04:00

"Prison Sex", by Tool, from the album, Undertow.

Daily Thoughts

2010-03-24T09:00:00.002-04:00

Right wingers are more offended and upset over Vice President Biden's use of the word "fucking" than they are that more than 45,000 Americans die annually from lack of health insurance coverage.

Morning Music

2010-03-24T07:00:00.001-04:00

"Pyramid Song", from Radiohead's magnificent album, Amnesiac.

Daily Thoughts

2010-03-23T09:00:00.004-04:00

The story concerning Sean Hannity's poorly distributed charity funding should come as a surprise to no one. It's just another example of Hannity being completely consistent with his conservative principles which state that between the haves and the have nots, the haves always come first...

Morning Music

2010-03-23T07:00:00.000-04:00

"Let Down", from the magnificent Radiohead album, Ok Computer. One of the best bands of the last 25 years or so. One of those rare acts whose music I never tire of hearing. Incredible.

Racebook, Teabaggers and The Toxicity of White Privilege -Yeah, It's A Post About Racism.

2010-03-22T09:00:00.034-04:00

"The eye does not see the lens through which it looks; without genuine awareness it will not see it even in a mirror." - Zirgar (I think)

Thanks to a recent "debate" on Facebook between myself and one of my Facebook "friends", and events at some recent teabagger rallies (more and more an appropriate term for their gatherings, I think), I got to thinking about the consequences of white privilege. I know that as a white person I will never understand racism and white privilege in the same way as a black person (existentially our modes of understanding of these matters are shaped by significantly different experiences and perspectives), but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try to understand the intersectionality of racism as best I can in the manner in which I'm most capable, namely empathy. In fact, as rational, thinking beings it is incumbent upon us all to contemplate these things as best we can, to try to see as many points of view on these issues as possible, and to do less is to sell short our humanity and ethical responsibility, like my Facebook associate and the teabaggers do. What strikes me as really odd is that while many right wingers like to talk about taking responsibility for ourselves, when it actually requires some thought or real effort, they're some of the first ones to cry foul and blame others for these issues, that if people would just leave these things alone there would be no problem to even think about; as if denial or ignorance of these matters and their influence is a legitimate excuse. In the end, all of this protestation only reinforces the very thing these people seek to deny, whether they like it or not. And don't think that by saying all of this that I consider myself the paragon of racial thinking: I don't. We all have a long, long way to go with these things. I'm merely trying, in good faith, to be ethically and morally accountable and responsible to my fellow human beings regarding matters of genuine importance and immutability such as race, ethnicity and gender, and not some bullshit political or religious preferences.

Now, in short, the point made in the video below (since the video doesn't play, here's a link to it on Google), and one that I and many others have pointed out elsewhere, is that racism makes race a self-reflexive issue for the minorities who are defined and confined by it, who have to face it every day in an overt way, but hides, disguises or creates indifference to itself from those who benefit from it, ergo, it's not an issue for the people in control, who are not on the receiving end of it, and, in effect, renders it harmless from their perspective, if they are ever aware of it at all. That's the structure of white privilege, it suits and shapes the needs of the majority or the powerful at the expense of, or in order to exploit, the minority or the powerless, oppressing them. It's not outright oppression in the sense that people are bound in literal chains but it does create mental and socio-cultural chains that are often hard to overcome, if ever. Face it, in this country it's not in the white majority's advantage to change things in this regard, with many reasons for it: a general apathy, downright denial or complete oblivion; the white community just doesn't care about racism in light of white privilege or if it does care it doesn't see white privilege as has having any perceptibly negative effect upon the white community as a whole. Of course, this isn't necessarily true; denial, obliviousness or apathy are not assurances of propriety or health, nor do they provide absolution, but as long as people fail to recognize racism then it will be perpetuated at the expense of a certain people's ability to lead fully productive lives, and where even one person is oppressed the moral tissue of the entire nation is injured and scarred. Racism and white privilege are a single force that disfigures both the racist and the person who is racism's object, but in different ways and for different reasons, which should be obvious. Many people have diagnosed this condition, now people just need to face up to it, address it and take the proper measures to correct it. I'm not saying anything new with any of this, but I think it all bears repeating from time to time, simply because the only way some people are ever going to notice it at all is for someone else to take the time to point it out, to create a context of awareness for the time when that socio-cultural mirror is held up to show that eye the racist lens through which it views the world.

Anyway, I hope you'll watch this video. It goes into much greater detail than I did just now, and it's all laid out very well. It's a long video, but well worth the time you'll take to invest in it. Not everything comes in soundbites; sometimes we need to sit at the intellectual table, chew our conceptual meal slowly, thoroughly and let it digest before we move on to other things. I hope this is what you'll do this with this video. You and its message, both, deserve it.

Morning Music

2010-03-22T07:00:00.000-04:00

Queen and David Bowie, two of the all time greats, teaming up for one of the finest rock songs ever.

"Wherever Truth, Love And Laughter Abide, I Am There In Spirit." - A Much Belated Memorial To The Late, Great Bill Hicks

2010-03-19T09:00:00.008-04:00

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit. -- Bill Hicks' memorial prayer.

In my headlong rush to get back into blogging about politics and socio-cultural matters I forgot to do an annual memorial for one of my personal heroes: Bill Hicks. No standup comic, with the exception of George Carlin, ever made me think as deeply about matters as did Bill Hicks. He believed in the unity of all things, and where we saw illusory partitions, he suggested that comedy, music and drugs could erase them and reconnect us. His penetrating insights, in-your-face delivery and cock-sure swagger made him one of the rarest of comedians: one that other comedians tripped over themselves to go see. He was brave, merciless and fucking brilliantly funny, and he expected no less than equal intelligence or openness from his audience. Once when told by an audience member that:

"We don't come to comedy to think!",

Hicks replied,

"Gee! Where do you go to think? I'll meet you there!"

How can you not love a guy like that? He was unique and as a result, words fail to adequately describe his greatness, so I won't belabor this tribute with many more words, at least my own. Suffice to say a great, merry, hippie-hearted, punk rock prankster has gone away and we are diminished by his early departure, but increased by his having been among us at all. He died on February 26th, 1994 at the tender age of 32. May he rest in peace. He's truly missed.

Now, I think his own words will work best to pay tribute to the man himself:

(Probably his most famous line):

Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration; that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather!

More quotes, some of my favorites:

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes.

The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride" ... and we kill those people.

And my very favorite:

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis while wearing a rifle pendant.

I would dearly love to know what he makes of today's socio-political climate. I know what his general attitude and perspectives would be, but I'd really enjoy hearing him express them as only he could.

Morning Music

2010-03-19T07:00:00.000-04:00

Lucinda Williams', "Are You Alright?" This is country music I actually like and find very enjoyable. Garth Brooks and Travis Tritt can suck it.

Daily Thoughts

2010-03-18T09:00:00.004-04:00

When a teabagger politician says, "Let the states or the free market decide" on an issue, it usually means, "I'm a fucking douchebag and don't wanna take any responsibility for it myself."

Morning Music

2010-03-18T07:00:00.003-04:00

A great tune from the cowpunk band, Jason and the Scorchers, called "White Lies" from off of the album, Lost and Found.

Fuck Me! He's Irish?! No, Shit. I Wasn't Even Sure He's A Mammal!

2010-03-17T09:00:00.014-04:00

Today is St. Patrick's Day and normally I'm a fan of the Irish, what with their delightfully quick tempers that lead to repeated arrests, the limericks, pots o' gold, and rampant cannibalism, but to every rule there's an exception, and that exception is Sean Hannity. Everything he represents is counter to what's so pleasing and agreeable in the hilariously accurate Irish stereotype; where's the lovable drunken poetry, disease riddled transvestitism or enchanting priestly pederasty? Gaelic mysticism or sheep fucking? Nope. None of that's here. No, what we're left with is a despicable unenlightened subhuman troll-man who simply pisses off good people and Irish alike, with his gutteral snorting, gorilla-like chest thumping, grandstanding, sweeping generalizations, over-simplifications, logical fallacies and complete indifference to the facts - traits commonly found in marmosets and Frenchmen, but not in our garishly speckled little friends from the grand ol' land o' fuckin' Erin.

So, to reclaim some Paddy pride for this hallowed day, let's go find Mr. O'Hannity, mercilessly beat his spud sucking ass with a nice big ol' shillelagh, load him onto an Air O'Plane for Siberia and be done with him. This way everyone wins: America gets rid of a completely useless shit stained butt nugget; meanwhile, in Siberia, Hannity finally gets the chance to realize his ideal free market, capitalist, Reaganite fantasy society, built from the ground up, from scratch, with no interference from progress, ethics, reality or black people. This will also allow all those whimsical bog-trotting leprechauns to break free at last from the yoke of negative ethnic associations that Hannity's supposed Irishness shackled them with and let them return to their naturally violent ways, such as engaging in mirthful bouts of alcohol fueled street brawling or heaping unmerciful amounts of physical abuse upon those rosy cheeked, ginger haired little 'tater tots of theirs. Ahhh, good stuff! And that's no blarney!

Sean Hannity - he's what's wrong with everything, and even the Irish too!

Morning Music -

2010-03-17T07:00:00.004-04:00

"Only Shallow", by the great Irish mope rockers, My Bloody Valentine; the first track on the fan-fucking-tastic, Loveless, possibly one of the 5 or 6 best rock albums of the 90's. Interesting fact: MBV is one of the loudest rock bands, with certain concerts measured at 132 decibels. Loud, tenebrous, Gaelic goodness!

Daily Thoughts

2010-03-16T09:00:00.001-04:00

Rushama Bin Limbaugh should change his logo from the dishonest and very misleading, Excellence In Broadcasting (EIB), to the far more accurate and honest, Feculence In Broadcasting (FIB).

Morning Music

2010-03-16T07:00:00.002-04:00

Alice In Chains, "Bleed The Freak", from the debut album Facelift.

Liz Cheney, You Fucking Dick.

2010-03-15T09:00:00.004-04:00

Just who the fuck do you think you are, Liz Cheney? Granted, you're one of the Dark Lord of Hell's evil fucking brood, but that doesn't give you the right to defame and tarnish not only our legal system with your tainted bias and evil accusations, but also the sincerity and allegiance of the men and women of the Department of Justice who are defending terror suspects! People whom you and your idiotic cohorts, Bill "I've yet to be right about anything, but I'm still hopeful" Kristol, and Marc "If I say something enough times it becomes true" Thiessen, feel perfectly fine about casting aspersions upon, running over roughshod in an attempt to make them out to be dangerous traitorous fiends. Well, in aiming your unhinged rhetoric at them you end up hitting the Constitution itself and the sacred promise of a speedy, fair trial and the right to a proper legal defense, you feculent fuck. But you can't help it, can you? You're just a tragic piece of knee-deep sheep shit, aren't you? You're just one sad little trollop of tripe, a slattern of slant, a succubus of suck, a harpy of hate, aren't you, you fucking, dick-nosed sleaze weasel?

First off, you dense cock-cheese filled chilli relleno twat, let me school you on something basic: have you never heard of the concept, "Innocent until proven guilty?" Just because someone is accused of something or because someone has been captured or arrested does not make them guilty, although it does cast a preponderance of suspicion their way. But I guess in that sewage-clogged brain of yours that high degree of suspicion is equal to guilt. I mean it must, since you keep referring to the accused as terrorists, when, by all rights, they should be referred to as terror suspects until a verdict is rendered. I mean, isn't that the jury's duty, to make that determination and not yours; certainly not before the trials have even begun? Oh, shit--but that's due process! We can't have that! It might reveal all kinds of nastiness and shit, and to top it all off these people might even be found innocent as a result! No, you don't want due process, do you, shit sack? Nope, if they're accused, they must be guilty and that's all there is to it. End of story. Well, unless it's your dad and his idiotic ventriloquist dummy, Dubya, or any of their associates, right? Then it's nothing but innocent until proven guilty, isn't it?

Second, a legal defense equals guilt by association? Really, you brainless mass of asshole filth? When you question the loyalty and motives of people who actually do believe in due process and seek to make it a reality, do you care how much you're weakening our hallowed legal conceptual framework? The basic idea of anyone having a right to a fair trial and a proper legal defense is being undermined by your biased knee-jerk reactionary bullshit and jingoistic flag fucking ignorance. And if you say you aren't questioning the loyalty and motives of the Department of Justice lawyers then please explain this:

Who are the al-Qaeda Seven and whose values do they share? Wow, that's not inflammatory or prejudicial language or anything. The al-Qaeda Seven? Seriously? Gee, propagandize much? And Eric Holder brazenly wants people who share progressive values? Oh, noes! Who knows what that really means, but it can't possibly be anything good like, say, treating suspects with professionalism, sagacity or fairness. No, that can't be it at all. It has to be something completely underhanded! I mean, the DOJ is keeping the names of the remaining seven lawyers under wraps, which can only mean that their values match those of the terrorists, therefore they support terrorism! However, you're not really making any outright bold assertions, you're just asking questions...loaded questions, highly prejudicial questions, but just questions. Of course, asking questions enables control of the dialogue and the dissemination of information for the questioner. Glenn Beck must be proud!

Nevertheless, and oddly enough, despite not knowing the actual identities of the DOJ team, that's not stopping you from accusing them of aiding and abetting terrorists, is it? Simply because in the process of providing previous terror suspects with the best possible defense these incognito lawyers may have called into question the activities of the CIA, FBI and others, they must be traitors? Again, really? Heaven forbid that any competent defender should ever dare call into question the motives and practices of the investigative or arresting agencies involved. But to you and your vicious, fucking wack-a-loon pals, simply fulfilling a legal requisite for a fair trial is tantamount to, nay, is guilt itself, isn't it? In what fucking world does defending someone, especially within a system that demands just such an activity, confer guilt upon the defender? In no world, except for the alien, retarded (satire) one that you and your disgusting, slanderous, fucking imbecilic compatriots prefer to live on. In essence, you fallacious, frog-fellating, fucknut fool, you're saying that a legal defense is a criminal activity. Hell, by that "logic" I guess I'm a terrorist too for taking you to task by defending the defenders. Damn, it's Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, but with guilt! Ahhhh, but that's really the whole point, isn't it? Rather than have one's character assassinated, just avoid the fly-paper of guilt all together. Well played, you malevolent and devious fuckwad. I hope you enjoy shitting on defense attorneys, making them all out to be criminals, especially those with special practices or who have specific clientele, because when your dad needs one, well, we'll see what happens. Apparently, fair representation is a really taboo bitch these days. Nice job, Lizzy! Nice job.

So for all of your duplicitous, evil fucking bullshit, I'm honoring you, Liz Cheney, as the newest recipient of the I'm-So-Fucking-Shitty-I-Should-Have-My-Balls-Beaten-With-A-Hammer Award. You've earned it, Liz. Because in your headlong rush to Keep America Safe from those terrorist sympathizing and fair trial advocating progressives you're actually hurting this country and the principles it claims to uphold. With a heavy millstone of irony, you've ground fine the grist of stupidity. Bravo, Liztard. Bravo! Now go Keep America Safe by fucking yourself bloody with a statue of Blind Justice, you malignant, cock-stained shithole.

Remember, everyone, do your part to Keep America Safe: go bag a teabagger or two. You'll feel better about yourself and you'll be doing everyone else a service in the process. In advance, thank you!

Morning Music

2010-03-15T07:00:00.002-04:00

Alice In Chains, "Nutshell", from the amazing EP, Jar of Flies. One of my definite Top Ten favorite bands. Haunting songs about addiction, loss, loneliness and faith. Too many fucking bands that claim to be influenced by AIC picked up on the dark, harrowing sentiments and imagery without noticing how personal they were or what they represented in a singlar context. No, these dopes just thought the stuff sounded cool and aped it without earning it or taking any responsibility for it. Another thing many of those bands forgot is that a song isn't worth shit if you can't hum it. Fucks.

Daily Thoughts

2010-03-11T14:30:00.002-05:00

Costas says, "Rushama Bin Limbaugh is the only conservative big enough to get wedged in the credibility gap between his ideology and reality."

Morning Music

2010-03-11T08:00:00.002-05:00

This song calls to mind thoughts of warm spring evenings when the light is long and golden orange and the shadows even longer. Time distills in the perspiration on a beer bottle while friends' hand-me-down conversations swirl about as background fugue. The tender curves of the hills, rich with a deep set blue, are sharply drawn against the setting sun's gilded firmament; all eternity stretched out before that holy moment like a penitent at the foot of the cross.

Conservatives Outraged Obama Doing Nothing For Them To Be Outraged About

2010-03-10T15:00:00.014-05:00

On what would any other day simply be called a slow news day, GOP politicians and leading conservative commentators are outraged, outraged! that President Obama has the very nerve, the gall, the temerity to do nothing worthy of their collective outrage all day long...except do nothing worthy of their outrage.

Glenn Beck ranted, "This is a guy who hates us, hates real Americans, with his smooth charm and progressive guile. He opened up this space in which our highly charged contempt and disgust for him is magnified by his do nothing approach to legitimizing our anger. He's playing dirty politics with this, America. Do we not have a right to be contemptuous of his steely resolve to let us hang ourselves? I plan to get to the bottom of it, America. I are smart."

Rush Limbaugh mooed, "He's not doing anything in order to give the darkies reparations and not doing it to make us look like the bad guys in the process. Mark my words, this is what he's not doing. What?! That's what they're called!"

Blogger and pundit, Michelle Malkin declared, "Squawk, squawk, squawk. SQUAWK!!"

Ann Coulter chimed in with her usual cum soaked, cock sucking flair, "He's a nightmare, Obama is. He knows we find him repugnant but he refuses to put himself in the way of it, by being a target for it. What's he trying to prove? What a coward. I hope he stops this pettiness so we can return to being justified in our rage."

John Boehner cried foul, saying, "If he doesn't do what is required of him for us to hate him, then we must force his hand in the matter."

When asked if this isn't just a case of the right wing looking for any excuse to bash the president, GOP spokesman Dick Hoal said, "That's not true. We have serious and substantial philosophical and ideological differences with the president and we seek genuine discourse in which to air those disagreements and grievances...And even if it is just an excuse to bash Obama, it's his fault anyway. I mean, how dare he call the slightest attention to our outrage by not doing anything deserving of it at all today. What nerve! Now who's being trivial? If he can't come up with something as the focus of our utter disgust, for us to be upset with, torqued over, or angry about, then what are we, the GOP, supposed to do? What are we to think, other than he wants us to look like a bunch of spiteful idiots. No, we are left with nothing but the outrage we feel over his non-outrageous outrageous behavior."

Morning Music

2010-03-10T07:00:00.001-05:00

For Jennifer, whom I love more than live itself, though I don't always show it or say it like I should.

Morning Musings (Today's Only Post. Not Feeling Very Well)

2010-03-09T10:00:00.001-05:00

Amor fati. Life is its own justification and reward, verified through embracing the eternal recurrence of all that you are, were or ever will be, with not one change to be had in all of it, in its fullness again and again, ad infinitum. Strength is needed not only to encounter it but to accept it and revel in it as good and holy, to love it. Only a great soul can do these things. Only a great soul is capable of them, of being worthy of them, of holding them sacred, of being blessed by them. Love life. Love it in all of its aspects: the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly. For it is all of what you are, and you cannot love truly life and living if you slander what came before and do not embrace all that made it what it is or what it will be. For how can the house claim to love itself yet hate the timbers or the mortar or the brick from which it is fashioned? I am the house of Being. Amor fati. Amor fati.

Yeah, Nietzsche rocks. Kant blows.

Sean Hannity, You Disingenuous Horseshit Fuck! Get Your Goddamned Fat Fucking Head Out Of Sarah Palin's Drippy Asshole Already!

2010-03-08T13:30:00.011-05:00

This video reveals how much Sean Hannity is just being partisan for the sake of being partisan. He actually says that Sarah Palin is smarter than Barack Obama. Now, most serious people (even people on the right) will tell you that Mr. Obama is a pretty brainy guy (while just as many on either side of the political divide will declare Palin a complete dunce), and despite what he may say now, I've even heard Rushama Bin Limbaugh give some praise to Obama. But do the phenomenologically empirical impressions of an obviously superior intellect make an impact on the supremely dense metamorphic stone of Hannity's brain? I think the way I worded that sentence should indicate the answer: not on your life, at least not that he'd ever admit anyway. My hunch is that even Hannity really knows Obama is not only intellectually superior to Palin (a bag full of fucking doorknobs is also, for that matter), but superior to the GOP leadership itself. Whether it really applies or not, Hannity's going to attack the POTUS's intellect simply because his hero Dubya always got hammered for being stupid (demonstrably stupid, I might add). No, Hannity's criticisms are only bitter, petty, childish, schoolyard bullshit, but that's what we've come to expect from him, certainly nothing substantive or factually correct. Like the doofy kid who's told that his much loved new bike is ugly, all he can muster in his defense is, "Yeah, well, so is yours! Times infinity!" No thought involved, just knee-jerk reactionism. He lashes out, declaring his attacker's bike ugly also, even though he secretly knows it's really a much better bike than his own. In fact, if that other bike were his he'd be calling it the best bike ever, defending it against all comers, and he knows it. But since he can't really find anything to be critical about, he merely repeats the criticism thrown his way, out of spite. The gaping contrast between the reality and the ego tenses the bowstring that launches the arrows of attack. The wider that gulf, the harder it fires; justification be damned!

Also, at the end of the video, all those reasons Hannity gives that supposedly prove how intelligent Palin is, really don't. It takes no intellect whatsoever to just follow the party line and spew boilerplate stupidity and bullshit. Sarah Palin is a brain-dead fuckwit, who happens to have a tiny little bit of glitzy eye-candy appeal for people who can't think past what to have for dinner, let alone matters of national import. She's gloriously, righteously stupid, and assuming he's not merely being spiteful, Hannity is also really stupid if he genuinely thinks she's smarter than President Obama, because by making that asinine assertion he's showing that he has no fucking clue what the word "smart" even means, therefore he has no real basis on which to make that determination.

Or maybe he's just spiteful and stupid. Both! Yeah, I can see that. Just like his hero Sarah Palin...

Daily Thoughts

2010-03-08T10:00:00.007-05:00

Costas says, "In the free market exchange of ideas, Glenn Beck is a true conservative, condemning restrictions or regulations of any kind. I mean, his ideological bullshit certainly isn't restricted by sanity, decency, truth, facts or reason."

Morning Musings

2010-03-08T06:00:00.000-05:00

Film-making genius, David Lynch, on the ignominy of viewing a work of cinema on a cell phone. Brilliant.

Let's Stone Us Some Folks For Their Sins. We'll Ignore The Ones We Might Have A Chance Of Doing Ourselfs, Or Actually Is Us One...

2010-03-05T17:00:00.020-05:00

A couple of recent stories (this one and this one) got me thinking about theological consistency, or complete lack thereof, and who the fuck should be stoned to death. It's really important stuff to know, ya know? So I got out my Bible, found some relevant passages, put them here and added my own highbrow theological commentary. After all, I was only three credits shy of getting a degree in Religious Studies to go along with my Philosophy sheepskin, so fuck off, unwashed heathen prick.

Deuteronomy 21: 18-21 (death as punishment, in context, as if that really matters):

18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them;

19 Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;

20 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, "This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard."

21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Got that? If you have a rebellious son (curiously, no mention of daughters) the elders of the city are supposed to stone him with stones until he dies. It's a real wonder that any of us made it out of childhood alive--oh, wait! That's right; no one takes this command seriously since it means any one of us might have to kill one of our own sons someday. Shit, what was I thinking?!

Leviticus 20: 9-16, 27:

9 If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother, and his blood will be on his own head.

Yeah, 'cause sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you...unless you curse your folks. Seems like a more than fair equivalency to me though; eye for an "aye" type thing. So, see? Words really can hurt you. Damn!

10 If a man commits adultery with another man's wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.

Yikes! Someone better go tell John Ensign. And probably every other ruler or politican who ever lived. I guess King David got a pass on it since he effectively had Uriah the Hittite killed in battle so he could have that damned Indo-European speaking Hittite's wife Bathsheba for himself and also so Uriah could go off and form that majestic heep rock band of his. Technically, David didn't commit adultery, right? Murder schmurder! I mean, he found a fucking loophole, so God rewarded him for some very creative strategizing.

11 If a man sleeps with his father's wife, he has dishonored his father. Both the man and the woman must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

(See comment below verse 12)

12 If a man sleeps with his daughter-in-law, both of them must be put to death. What they have done is a perversion; their blood will be on their own heads.

What the fuck is Jerry Springer supposed to do for guests if the entire population of West Virginia gets exterminated for having sexual congress with family members? C'mon!

13 If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

What if, and this is strictly hypothetical stuff here, a man lies with a man the way a man lies with a man does? Yeah, gotcha! Also, I guess it's okay for a woman to lie with a woman as one lies with a man? Or...what? I'm so confused.

14 If a man marries both a woman and her mother, it is wicked. Both he and they must be burned in the fire, so that no wickedness will be among you.

(See comment below verse 12)

15 If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he must be put to death, and you must kill the animal.

Holy shit, there goes Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, South Carolina, North Carolina, Arkansas, Virginia and Tennessee. You probably thought I was gonna reference my home state of West Virginia again, didn't ya? I would, but sadly, it's already been wiped out...

16 If a woman approaches an animal to have sexual relations with it, kill both the woman and the animal. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

But what if she makes it to the animal and has sex with it before someone stops her on her approach? I'm just askin'. I mean, half the fun of seeing some Dutch Donkey Dong action is the tension created from not knowing if the chick will be sick enough to actually go through with it or not. The approach is everything! Still, it's nice to see that women were held in such high regard that just being poised to engage in bestiality was enough to die for, as opposed to the actual physical act of cross-species coupling itself, like that mentioned in verse 15.

27 A man or woman who is a medium or spiritist among you must be put to death. You are to stone them; their blood will be on their own heads.

Thank God. Now we can finally get rid of that annoying, fucking Harry Potter and all the rest of those loser Limey Hogwarts warthogs!

Now, I was gonna mention that, according to the Bible, if you murder someone you must be put to death, but it's clear that even God doesn't really believe that one because when Cain killed Abel (destroying a huge percentage of the human population in the process), God didn't bother to give Cain a lethal dose of dead for it. No, God simply turned him out, placing a mark put upon him so that if anyone did lay hands on Cain to kill him that person would be cursed of God. Interesting. And later, Moses killed some Egyptian dude and fled Eqypt because he knew he had murdered him, but instead God allowed Moses to become the biggest, baddest and most revered Hebrew ever. Go figure.

So when you hear someone say that gays must be killed or that some poor, misguided orca must die as a sacrifice to atone for some human stupidity, remember the other ones, conspicuously absent as topics of such discussions, who also deserve a chance to meet death head on for their transgressions. It's an insult for them not to be afforded all the same benefits of death that only a select few are deemed worthy of, and it only serves to diminish and slander them for them not to reap the bountiful death harvest for which they faithfully sowed the seeds. That or we can all just grow up and stop all of this stupid nonsense about killing people in the name of retribution and revenge.

Morning Music

2010-03-05T06:00:00.001-05:00

"Everything's Ruined", by Faith No More off the album, Angel Dust

Daily Thoughts

2010-03-04T10:00:00.005-05:00

Costas says:

"Sarah Palin is so fucking stupid that she'd sell her baby in order to buy him some diapers, and so disingenuous that she'd then blame the 'liberal media' for going after her family."

Morning Music

2010-03-04T06:00:00.000-05:00

"No.13 Baby", by the Pixies from the album Doolittle.

SARDONIC POSTER - Rushama Bin Limbaugh Edition

2010-03-03T08:00:00.010-05:00

He's a political terrorist, using words as incendiary bombs to inflame the passions of people who have only passion and no reason, no sanity, no apparatus for subtle thinking. In short, he doesn't terrorize the left, he terrorizes people on the right. He makes them fearful and paranoid of things that truth and reason show to be nothing of any consequence. But the irony of it all is that the very people he terrorizes adore him for it. It's a kind of Stockholm syndrome, but on a national scale. I guess to the right wingers one can get away with abusing folks in this country if one is a straight, white, Christian male, because then you're not only not doing any harm, you're absolutely doing God's work, especially if you wrap it all up in a nice, warm American flag and a free market economic philosophy. Go figure.

Also, doesn't the beard make Rushama look like a really evil Sebastian Cabot? I think it might be my favorite Photoshop work, even though I had to thoroughly wash myself off after completing it. Dealing with heavy scum like this is really unsanitary, ya know?

Morning Music

2010-03-03T06:00:00.001-05:00

"The Noise of Carpet" from the fantastic Stereolab album, Emperor Tomato Ketchup. Stereolab's a great band.

Fed Up, God Turns Ann Coulter Into A Twisted, Hideous Freak

2010-03-02T08:00:00.026-05:00

Citing irreconcilable differences with Ann Coulter over her ugly ideology and hideous personal hygiene, Jehovah God, Lord High Creator of the Universe, today laid down the heavy pimp hand and zapped Coulter in the middle of a live radio broadcoast, turning her into the physical manifestation of her political philosophy.

The Lord proclaimed mightily, "Lo, thine inmost being is ill-favored, unsavory and most repugnant to mine essence and to good taste all around, an affront to all that is seemly. Plus I find thy personal stench really most displeasing to mine holy nostrils as it rises up to contend with the sweet aroma of mine heavenly abode up here and stuff. I have grown weary of thy getting away with murder, so to speaketh, simply because thou art perceived by some to be an comely lass, though thy being cryeth out from the pits of deepest hell that thou art indeed putrid and foul within. Verily, thou art a whited sepulcre, a gaily decorated burial mound full of dead men's bones, cock rings, yellowed dentures, gonorrhea, rotten, stinky turtle eggs, used Chinese food take out containers, dingos, several Texas Instruments pocket calculators, Jimmy Hoffa, cranky marmosets, soggy grits, heavily soiled and discount priced carpet remnants, syphilis, fishmongers, irritable bowel syndrome, an LED watch, boomerangs, horny toads, beer cans, diarrhea, a sling blade, old carburetors, tangled fishing line, a penis, Flunitrazepam, Chesapeake Bay blue crabs, the crabs, a family of 'possums, bloody bandages, pimple creams, chlamydia, someone's hand, partially digested condoms and what looks like globs and globs of old moldy mayonnaise. From this moment hence thou shalt be grotesque outwardly as well, as befits your inner horror. Thou shalt turn heads, and stomachs, away from thine hideous new countenance, offending people's sense of decency just as, for years, thy soul and personal beliefs have done to Myself and to all good-hearted, steadfast stalwart defenders of goodness and righteousness. As I have spoken, so let it be done." Whereupon Coulter instantly transmogrified into something akin to a buck toothed, cross eyed testicle with long blond pubes.

Upon turning into a such horribly twisted, mutant freak, Coulter accused The Lord of being a stupid, godless liberal merely looking to break down opposition to the rising tide of popular support for a GOP political revival that will ultimately destroy the push for healthcare reform. She said, "This is what they do. They turn everything good into something horrible, these liberals. I really thought God was a conservative Republican, but I guess that damned New Testament should've been a clue to His worst bleeding heart tendencies."

Morning Music

2010-03-02T06:00:00.001-05:00

"Mockingbirds", by Grant Lee Buffalo from the amazing album, Mighty Joe Moon.

We Have A Loser: Jim Bunning Of Kentucky. Come On Down And Get Your Award!

2010-03-01T08:00:00.012-05:00

Senator Jim Bunning (R-KY), is a force of nature, an army of one, a real man's man. He don't take no shit from no one, certainly not tough shit. He's that lone sentinel standing on the wall protecting us from the ungodly vampiric exploits of the unemployed. Yes, he's such a contumacious and obdurate dickhole that he's inspired the creation of a brand new socio-political perspective award, a little thing we here at Zirgar's proudly call the I'm-So-Fucking-Shitty-I-Should-Have-My-Balls-Beaten-With-A-Hammer Award.

What exactly did this gloriously recalcitrant fuckhole do to get this prestigious honor bestowed upon him, you ask? He blocked the extension of unemployment insurance benefits for 1.2 million Americans in the most righteously dickish manner! Now, I'm not referring just to the fact that Bunning blocked the bill, seeking to have the unemployment extension paid for with stimulus money (which was bad enough), but also the way he went about doing it. When asked by several Democratic senators to end his filibuster so the bill could pass, Bunning, in his delightfully irrascible and patented cock-a-loon way, responded, "Tough shit." And during the "debate" Bunning actually blamed the Democrats for creating a situation that kept him stuck on the senate floor filibustering instead of being in a position where he could watch the University of Kentucky/South Carolina basketball game. How dare they make him block that bill and waste all of his valuable basketball time. Yep, his priorities are in perfect order. I mean, the inconvenience of missing that game was certainly paramount and way more important than the inconvenience he's causing for millions of unemployed Americans. Tough shit, out of work bums! Jim "fucking prima donna" Bunning has a goddamned basketball game to watch, you insufferable leeches! Damn! Get a fucking job, will ya?!

So, for being such a monumental prick and deleterious dickwad, you, Jim Bunning, Republican Senator from the Commonwealth of Kentucky, have not only won, but actually caused the creation of, the I'm-So-Fucking-Shitty-I-Should-Have-My-Balls-Beaten-With-A-Hammer Award, also lovingly referred to as "The Bunning." Here's hoping your nuts get torn off by a claw hammer! But don't worry. You can take it, 'cause you're one really tough shit.

Addendum: The unemployment benefits legislation also contains funding for the Federal Highway Administration, but since the bill didn't get passed before the weekend many people will now be laid off this week. Just one more reason this guy Bunning is a giant cockhole and needs to have his ass handed to him and his ego shredded. I suggest that anyone and everyone adversely affected by this fucknut's bellicose grandstanding bullshit should find out where he lives and crap all over his front steps, spelling out the word "tough" in giant steaming shit letters. What a fucking tool.

Morning Music

2010-03-01T06:00:00.001-05:00

An epic song from a terrific band.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY...to me

2010-02-27T18:00:00.009-05:00

Today is the one year anniversary of this blog. I had no idea where I was going with it when I began, but I've had fun and had headaches with it every step of the way. My first post was humble. Here it is in its entirety:

Friday, February 27, 2009
SHORTSIGHTEDNESS, HYPOCRISY OR HEAD-UP-YOUR-ASSEDNESS? YOU DECIDE.

I read this observation online a few days ago and for the life of me I can't remember who wrote it, so I apologize for lifting it, but it's very simple, insightful and true:

"The same people who insist it will take up to four decades to adequately appraise George Bush's presidency somehow think it's reasonable to condemn Mr. Obama's presidency after only four weeks".

He shoots, he SCORES!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pretty lame, but it got this whole stupid affair up and running.

Now, I've never asked anyone for input on this blog, but I'm doing so today just to get a feel for what works and what doesn't. So, consider this an open thread to tell me what you like, don't like or are indifferent to on this blog; I mean, besides the political content - I do get a sense of your thoughts on this from the regular comments on the posts themselves (yeah, I'm smart like that. lol). Be honest and be sincere, this is your one chance to get me to really listen to you (lol). I probably won't change anything, but I might. I have no idea how many people have read this blog, nor do I really care all that much. I won't lie, it would be really cool if tons of people read it, but I don't do what I do with the idea of becoming a high traffic lane, I just do it because I like it and I can do it the way I want to do it, which is why I'm so irregular with my postings, but I digress...I write to express myself, anything else is just gravy. Anyway, leave me your thoughts and ideas and I'll take them under consideration. I may even do more guest bloggers or make this a community blog like over at The Swash Zone.

And finally, but in no way last in importance, I want to thank you all for coming here and leaving your thoughts on my posts. I'm grateful to each and every one of you and I think I have the best commentors around. I'm not that great at leaving comments on other blogs, so I can't figure out why you people stay here and are so loyal (don't I sound like a pompous ass? lol), but I'm glad you do. Sincerely. Thank you.

"Dear Americans, Virginia Is For Lovers. Unless You're Gay, Then Fuck You." Sincerely Yours, VA Governor Bob McDonnell

2010-02-26T08:00:00.008-05:00

From the Declaration of Independence:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
This is one of the most recognized sentences in the English language and has become for millions of people a sacred expression of hope and tolerance. Except for gay people in Virginia, where it's now just an empty slogan. It seems that our ignorant rat-fuck of a teabag governor, Bob McDonnell (R-VA), quietly rescinded anti-gay workplace discrimination policies by signing an executive order effectively delaring open season on gay people on the job. This man went out of his fucking way to abolish hard fought civil rights progress and advancement to further his irrational and antiquated agenda for society. It was one of the very first things he did as our new governor, which should tell you how high on his agenda it is to fuck over gays and lesbians.

But, you see, the irony is, McDonnell was the dipshit the GOP chose to give the rebuttal to President Obama's State of the Union Address, and in his rebuttal speech he said,

“All Americans should have the opportunity to find and keep meaningful work, and the dignity that comes with it (bold and italics mine for emphasis).

“Here in Virginia we have faced our highest unemployment rate in more than 25 years, and bringing new jobs and more opportunities to our citizens is the top priority of my administration."

So, everyone should have the opportunity to find and keep meaningful employment and the dignity it provides? Sounds good, but you don't really believe any of it do you, Bob? You really mean all Americans...except for gays. 'Cept fer them thar stankin' homos, right you sneaky, underhanded fucker? So, you feel employers have the right to deny employment or take the jobs away from gay people to provide them for straight people? I mean, since you signed that damned executive order allowing employers to deny gay people jobs just for being gay, or allowing gay people to be fired for just being gay, you're effectively placing targets on gays in the workplace. Oh, I know, if they just didn't openly declare their homosexuality they could keep their jobs. Yeah, that's one helluva brilliant, fucking solution. Why the fuck should they hide it? Why should they have to keep living in constant fear? The only problem with homosexuals is the one that shitty fucks like you, Bob (who can't seem to stop thinking of them as something vile), keep making for them. Well, what's next? Only Christians should hold jobs? Then the criteria finally gets whittled down to where jobs are only for straight white Christian males? What a fucking crock of unholy bullshit. Fuck you, McDonnell, and your idiotic beliefs that deny people access to their rights. You see, you don't have to love gay people, you just need to be adult enough to not be so petty and childish that you deny them access to what is rightfully theirs. And in case you don't know what that is, you fucktard, I'll tell you: it's not the right to employment (that's not a right for anyone), no, it's the right to live free from persecution and discrimination. Just get out of their fucking way and leave them the hell alone, you neanderthal. What they do doesn't intrude negatively into your life in any substantial, concrete way, except you make it do so with your own negative preoccupations on the subject, so get over it. Whether you like it or not, Bob, they're here, they're queer and they pay their fucking taxes.

I've said it elsewhere and I'll it repeat here: if you wanna know what this country will be like if the teabaggers gain control, just watch the film, Planet of the Apes, and now I might add, watch and see what happens here in Virginia also.

Morning Music

2010-02-26T06:00:00.001-05:00

This is a really catchy and poignant song about the struggle for Aboriginal land rights by the Australian singer/songwriter, Xavier Rudd, from his album White Moth.

Morning Music

2010-02-25T06:00:00.004-05:00

One of my all time favorite songs from one of my all time favorite bands.

Daily Thoughts With Costas, The Angry, Human-faced Cat

2010-02-24T10:00:00.002-05:00

Costas says, "Virginia State Delegate, Bob Marshall, says that 'special needs' children are God's punishment visited upon mothers for having previous abortions? Well, now we know why there's a Bob Marshall."

MORNING MUSIC

2010-02-24T06:00:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite songs from the 90's, by the underrated and fantastic band Ride, off the album Nowhere.

Daily Thoughts With Costas, The Angry, Human-faced Cat

2010-02-23T10:00:00.004-05:00

Costas, the angry, human-faced cat says, "If Joseph Stack was a brown skinned Muslim and crashed a plane into a building, what do you think the reaction from the neocons and the authorities would be? Makes me wonder: what if terrorists start hiring 'desperate', white Christian males to do all of their dirty work for them? No one would suspect a thing!"

Morning Mayhem

2010-02-23T06:00:00.003-05:00

If I was sentenced to live on a deserted island and could only take a handful of CD's with me this band would be one of my choices. These guys were a glorious mess, but they made one album that really shook things up, both musically and politically, and that's what makes them great. I do, however, find it ironic that the lyrics for this song excoriate the queen as a mere figurehead when in fact, in a certain sense, so was Sid Vicious, since he was possibly the leading figure of the punk movement at the time, yet he couldn't actually play his bass guitar, and often during live shows the other band members would turn off Sid's amplifier to hide his ineptitude.

Daily Thoughts With Costas, The Angry, Human-faced Cat

2010-02-22T10:00:00.008-05:00

Costas, the angry, human-faced cat says, "Remember, there's nothing so wrong with stupid that being a Republican can't make it into an outright virtue."

UPDATE: On Sabbatical For A While...

2010-01-09T20:00:00.004-05:00

I haven't disappeared, I've just been taking some time away from blogging in order to cleanse my palette, as it were, so as not to lose my sanity. I'm recharging my batteries by keeping away from politics for the time being, so please don't drop me from any of your blog rolls; I will be back shortly. That's a promise. No later than the end of the month of January. Hopefully, I'll be back better than ever--we'll see. lol. In the meantime, I hope you're all doing well and are happy, healthy and safe. Until then, Peace!

MERRY CHRISTMAS And HAPPY HOLIDAYS To ONE And ALL!

2009-12-24T12:00:00.000-05:00

They said there'd be snow at Christmas,
They said there'd be Peace on Earth.
But instead it just kept on raining,
A veil of tears for the Virgin birth.
I remember one Christmas morning,
A winters light and a distant choir.
And the peal of a bell and that Christmas Tree smell,
And their eyes full of tinsel and fire.

They sold me a dream of Christmas,
They sold me a Silent Night.
And they told me a fairy story,
'Till I believed in the Israelite.
And I believed in Father Christmas,
And I looked at the sky with excited eyes,
'Till I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn,
And I saw him and through his disguise.

I wish you a hopeful Christmas,
I wish you a brave New Year.
All anguish pain and sadness,
Leave your heart and let your road be clear.
They said there'd be snow at Christmas,
They said there'd be Peace on Earth.
Hallelujah Noel be it Heaven or Hell,
The Christmas we get we deserve.

Lyrics from "I Believe in Father Christmas" by Greg Lake

Bless you all and may this holiday season be a special one for each and every one of you!

MY LIST OF THE BEST FILMS OF THE 00's--LET THE DEBATES BEGIN!

2009-12-22T05:00:00.014-05:00

25. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon - A film that transported me back to the awe and magic that film held for me as a kid. Plus it's a first rate story on every level.

24. Sexy Beast - Ben Kingsley gives the best performance of his career as the vicious and brutal gangster Don Logan. Worth seeing for that fact alone. The underrated Ray Winstone delivers, as always.

23. Memento - Ambitious crime film from Christopher Nolan about the danger of memory loss and the danger of human nature. Some inconsistencies throughout but an incredible film nonetheless.

22. CSA: The Confederate States of America - Great mockumentary on race and American history. Sadly, many of the things we think are jokes in this film are revealed to be actual events and items.

21. Grizzly Man - Stunning documentary from the great Werner Herzog examining the life of an addict who traded a life of drugs for a life with wildlife and as a result paid the ultimate price by removing the boundaries between himself and the bears he loved.

20. Mulholland Drive - Part dream, part nightmare, part Grand Guignol theatre. Director David Lynch doing what he does best, taking us beneath the thin veneer of sanity that covers over modern life.

19. Old Boy - Brilliant revenge film from Korea. Almost Shakespearean in tone. Nightmarish and amazing.

18. The Fog of War - Terrific Errol Morris documentary about the life of Robert McNamara, one of the movers and shakers behind the Vietnam War.

17. Shaun of the Dead - Just pure, gory, comedic fun.

16. Dirty Pretty Things - Mournful story of a dignified man resorting to undignified measures to survive as an illegal alien in modern day London.

15. The Royal Tenenbaums - Wes Anderson at his best. Great film about a family and its many foibles, with Gene Hackman giving a wonderful comedic performance as the family patriarch.

14. The Dark Knight - Indelible cinematic depiction of Nietzsche's dictum, "If you gaze for long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."

13. King Kong - Corrected many, but not all, of the problems found in the vastly overrated original. A truly marvelous film that provides some genuinely breathtaking celluloid moments.

12. The Russian Ark - Technical perfection - one complete 90 minute tracking shot. One take, no edits!

11. The Proposition - A heart of darkness in the Australian Outback set in the late 1800's.

10. United 93 - Powerful, respectful and balanced depiction of the people who chose to fight back on Sept. 11th, 2001.

9. Children of Men - Part allegory, part prediction, all cinematic perfection.

8. Pan’s Labyrinth - An outstanding Mexican film set in Franco's Spain, that shows that fairy tales are never really as harmless as they seem on the surface...

7. The New World - Not necessarily historically accurate, but cinematically and thematically brilliant. More Terrence Malick greatness.

6. No Country For Old Men - Cormac McCarthy brought to brutal, blistering life by the Coen brothers, of all people. Javier Bardem's acting in this film is rightly praised, but Josh Brolin is his equal in this one.

5. Osama - The first Afghan film made after the fall of the Taliban; a heartbreaking story of a young girl's life under the Taliban regime.

4. Amelie - A whimsical and ethereal French film about of one of cinema's most wonderful and original characters. The luminous Audrey Tautou, as the title character, gives one of my all time favorite film performances.

3. Almost Famous - A fantastic film for anyone who is a fan of popular music, no matter the format. A loving homage to just being a fan.

2. Apocalypse Now Redux - With the addition of 49 minutes of original footage this movie finally became the masterpiece it should've been all along. Francis Ford Coppola's personal triumph.

1. Sideways - Alexander Payne's finest film (so far) and Paul Giamatti's best acting (so far). A film that gets better with age, just like fine wine.

(tie) There Will Be Blood - Brilliant epic examination of a soul consumed with mammon; filthy lucre drinks his milkshake. Daniel Day Lewis is monstrous and complex and delivers a performance for the ages.

Films that almost made the cut:

The Wonder Boys, City of God, Narc, Hot Fuzz, Kill Bill vol. 1 & 2, About Schmidt, 28 Days Later, Hustle and Flow, The Host, Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, The Incredibles, Spider, Audition, 21 Grams, Casino Royale, Minority Report, Letters from Iwo Jima, Million Dollar Baby, Super Size Me, Ameros Perros, The House of Flying Daggers, Hero, 25th Hour, A Very Long Engagement, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Snatch, Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room, A History of Violence, The Bourne Ultimatum, Morvern Callar, Team America: World Police, Spirited Away, Blackhawk Down, American Splendor, Gosford Park, Maria Full of Grace, Talk to Her, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Bowling for Columbine...

Let's Help Out A Brotha!

2009-12-16T21:30:00.007-05:00

Please go to this blog post and do what you can to lend some aid. Matt is one of the very best bloggers out there and is a stalwart defender of the liberal viewpoint, but even more importantly, he and his family are human beings going through a very rough patch right now and in need of both help and support.

I might add, if each and every one of you post a link to Matt's site and request aid from your readers accordingly, the more help he is likely to recieve. He didn't ask me or (O)CT(O)PUS to do any of this, but I feel obligated to do what I can to help a decent, humane person and his family.

Thank you and bless you all.

HAPPY HANUKKAH

2009-12-11T18:00:00.006-05:00

To all the Jewish folks out there,

have a happy start to the

Festival of Lights

this evening!

Shalom!

I like this menorah fashioned from handguns.

Very cool.

Morning Mellowness

2009-12-11T04:30:00.002-05:00

Enjoy the sounds of nature as these mountain streams serenade you with their sylvan symphonies of soothing and moving aqueous harmonies.

For best affect you may want to put the Music Player on hold while this plays...

SARDONIC POSTER--PALINOID SCHMIDTZOPHRENIA Edition

2009-11-30T13:00:00.013-05:00

This one came to me immediately after reading a review of Going Rogue where the Palinoid one basically blames her political failure last year on McCain's man Steve Schmidt and the evil media elites, but the name of the disorder applies to her overall mentality as well. Maybe later I'll write some more on this, but for now I just wanted to share it with y'all. Enjoy!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL!

2009-11-26T06:00:00.007-05:00

Show thanks by doing a good deed for someone who's less fortunate than you.

So be good to each other, we're all we have.

Happy Thanksgiving!

PS--I've been out of town since Wednesday at 17:30 and won't be back until Sunday night at the earliest, so I won't be checking comments or anything else until then. PEACE!

SARDONIC POSTER--HUMANURE EDITION. Yeah, I'm Beating That Old, Familiar Dead Horse Again...

2009-11-23T05:00:00.011-05:00

There's no real, vital point to this blog post other than to allow me to rant and rave on the subject of two of the most despicable human beings in this country; neither of these two dimwitted fucknuts did anything any different than usual, I just haven't castigated either one in a while so I felt a need to pour out some bile. I really needed to get the nastiness out of my system and I was prepared to write something very complicated and detailed, but the awfulness of these two shitbirds doesn't really need any further exposition--the poster pretty much sums them up perfectly (yes, I'm aware of the irony of me saying that and still writing all of this crap in addition to the poster). Further, my disdain for both of these men and what they truly represent, as opposed to what they claim to represent, is a matter of public record, or some such shit.

Fuck, I'd love an opportunity to curb stomp either of these hateful, useless fucks. And if I had to narrow that opportunity down to just the one of these two asshooligans, it would be Limbaugh. This fat, lowlife, inhuman piece of shit is the scum of the fucking earth, one of the real nasty shit stains on humanity's ass, the biggest, crustiest dingleberry matted in the hair of society's anus. I wish nothing but pure, unadulterated harm and heaping mounds of pain and anguish upon him for all of the injury he's caused and is currently causing this nation, and if there is any justice in this world it will happen soon. His poisonous platitudes, as well as his perfunctory and disingenuously deranged bullshit, have simply got to stop. I've monitored him over the years and his rhetoric has become more and more unhinged and delusional, starting out as a mere mouthpiece for the religiously rapt Reaganite GOP to where he now just tosses off his insane, paranoic illusory opinions and battered, bloviating brain bits as gospel. In the realm of political and social discourse evil has no uglier face.

Beck, on the other hand--fuck it. There is no other hand. They're both the same hand, but Beck is probably going to end up being even more influential and dangerous than Limbaugh, or anyone else for that matter, and here's why: he's mastered the rhetorical art of asserting propositions through questions. Not that most people really care about the difference between these two concepts, but in Beck's crafty, thaumaturgical hands he freezes the play between them, creating an inherent conceptual tension that (con)fuses speculation with assertion. That there is nothing to back up any of his shit isn't the point--the point is that in the act of asking, the question has become its very own "proof", its own means of meaning. It's a self-validating, transubstantiating sacrament of rhetorical tartuffery. This gives him leave to roam about asserting anything he wants without reference to objective, rational proofs, allowing him to eat his cake and have it too. After all, he's only asking questions! Beck delivers his demented bias in a Trojan horse. Of course sane people can see right through this slimebag snake oil salesman's shtick, but there are many, many people who fall for his shenanigans hook line and sinker. And as much as I can't stand this fucking douchebag, he's very, very good at what he does. He certainly knows how to manipulate his audience with cheap political parlor tricks. Which is why I want to kick his fucking doughy white ass all the way back to last week. Fucking prick!

Okay, so I ended up writing more than I thought I would, and its coherency is debatable, but I feel better...at least for the time being. Just consider this post to be a leach bleeding the bad blood out of me so I don't have to hunt down some neocons and mount their fucking heads over my mantlepiece...

ADDENDUM: After reviewing the paragraph on Beck I'm not so sure it really works. My conclusion that Beck will end up being the most dangerous because he has figured out how to disguise his bias in question form doesn't hold water, but I'm too lazy to change it or to work it out to make it sensible. That's what I get for posting this on almost no sleep. Sounded good at the time. Shit.

If God Had Not Intended For Us To Ridicule Sarah Palin, How Come He Made Her Out Of All Kinds Of Stupid?

2009-11-18T07:00:00.030-05:00

An amazingly intelligent and perceptive insight from Sarah Palin's marvellously mavericky and monotonously mendacious memoir, Going Rogue:

"If any vegans came over for dinner, I could whip them up a salad, then explain my philosophy on being a carnivore: If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat? I always remind people from outside our state that there's plenty of room for all Alaska's animals - right next to the mashed potatoes." (italics mine for emphasis)

So anything made of meat is intended for food? Babies are made of meat, so we can eat them now? Mmmmmmmm, so young, so tender--like veal, but much more accessible. Wait. What? Meat is only in animals? How's that? Because we eat animals, we don't eat people. But if we eat people then we can say they're made of meat, right? No? Hmmmmm, let me see if I can grasp what you're trying to say then; we eat animals because they're made of meat, but we don't eat humans because they aren't made of meat. Humans can't be made of meat, because if they were we'd eat them? Isn't that a case of petitio principii? You know, begging the question, assuming your conclusion as proof of your conclusion? No? I'm oversimplifying the situation? So, really there are other reasons we eat animals than just because they're made of meat, and we don't eat humans for reasons other than they aren't made of meat...Then why be so stupid as to say god wants us to eat animals because they're made of meat, you dolt? Oh, sorry. I answered my own question--you're stupid! So do us all a favor and go devour your meathead. Better yet, "EAT ME, you damned deleterious douchebag!"

Of course I'm putting words in her mouth, I mean, at least the ones I put there make more sense than the one's sent there from her own "brain", but seriously, could anyone see this "debate" going in any other direction with this boob? My problem isn't the meat eating part (although I do have a problem with her defining the central value of animals as being their role as food), it's the horribly bad logic passed off as good ol' down home earthy, folksy wisdom part. Apparently her book is not only full of falsehoods, it's also filled with really ignorant shit like her excerpted "wisdom" above. Like I really thought it would be filled with really smart, insightful shit! And people actually think she's someone to take seriously? I take her seriously only as an object of derision and mockery, but otherwise, she's a self-parody that keeps delivering the "goods" on herself.

Oh, and as far as I know the only animal actually made out of meat was the Spam lamb from this episode of M.A.S.H. Well, I think Spam is meat. My dad certainly thinks it is. Hell, who the fuck really knows what it is?! Hmmmm, kinda like Palin. She's the socio-political equivalent of SPAM!

And to be honest, I basically stole the idea for this shitty little post from this one over at Acephalus. He's a fan-fucking-tastic blogger, so go check him out.

SARDONIC POSTER--Bruce-ellosis Edition. Xenophobia And Racism Have A New Hero: Jasen Bruce!

2009-11-11T04:00:00.036-05:00

Dictionary: bru·cel·lo·sis (brū'sə-lō'sĭs)

Definition

Bruce-ellosis is a condition caused by the ingestion of virulent paranoid particulates found in batshit that can contaminate humans but primarily infects the lower primates, who love to roll around in it and shit. Symptoms of the malady include mental constipation, interminable cultural antipathy, intense race-baiting, excessive and unwarranted physical violence and incredibly tiny male genitalia, even in the women. The disease can become chronic and recur, particularly if untreated with sanity, intelligence and electro-shock therapy.

Description

Also known as Foreigner fever, Regent University regression, Malkin madness, Coulter contagion, FOX News fixation, or "Xenophobia", bruce-ellosis is most likely to occur among those individuals who regularly engage in four-wheelin' and live without cultural awareness or synaptic responses. The disease originates in lower primates like Sean Hannity, but is transmitted through the activities of creatures like Glenn Beck and Neal Boortz. In humans, bruce-ellosis continues to spread via right wing hate radio broadcasts from infected pigs like Rush Limbaugh and the Savage-Wiener or through direct contact with the secretory discharges of said porcine radio hosts. In certain areas of the United States where the milk of human hatred is not socially and intellectually pasteurized properly, for example, the Red States and the early 1900's, the disease is still contracted by swallowing wholesale the bilious religious intolerance and demagoguery present there. However, in most of the United States, widespread social and intellectual pasteurization has nearly eradicated the contaminant from sheeple and has reduced the number of human cases as well. Nevertheless, due to the election in 2008 of a godless Kenyan, commie, pinko, socialist, Maoist, Nazi, czarist, Tuvan throat singing, white baby eating, grandma killing, Muslim appeasing, dithering pacifistic anti-Christ to the highest office in the land, and with the recent tragic assault upon Fort Hood by a mad Mohammaden caliph from the Barbary Coast, the number of bruce-ellosis cases has rapidly increased, with the most notable and egregious being that of a man named Jasen Bruce who on 11/09/2009 attacked a Greek Greek Orthodox priest while astutely observing that since the priest wore flowing garb, was bearded and spoke poor English, he was not only one of them thar ferners, but was obviously one of them Ay-rab, Muslim terrorist, crotch violatin' type ones. And being thus, he required the requisite crowbar upside his metaphorically rag covered head. Ironically, it was Bruce's ancestor, Aloysius Cornelius Bruce, who gave name to this very disorder way back in 1878 when he assaulted and then attempted to eat a delicious and savory Chinaman he claimed was made of spicy egg noodles and who had stolen his job on the railroad...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

In all seriousness, apparently this guy Bruce is a big, steroid using, weight lifter, and I only bring it up here because one article I read on this case mentioned it and because I believe his physical size is important in relation to what did or didn't transpire. And before you scream 'roid rage know that there has never been a definitive scientific link established between steroid use and unhealthy rage episodes; the evidence is anecdotal and inconclusive. Some small studies indicate heightened levels of aggression and anger with steroid use but hardly reveal a form of uncontrollable, psychotic rage. And I seriously doubt that this priest, Father Alexios Marakis, is dumb enough to try to rob or sexually assault a big guy like this in an unknown, untested place anyway; there are just too many variables that favor Bruce and not the priest. However, while I'll grant that anything is possible, since Bruce has offered a number of excuses for why he did what he did, I have a sneaking suspicion that his "Allahu Akbar" version of events is the real one, the others being fabricated to cover his ass, because, of all his excuses, the Arab terrorist one is not really any excuse at all, insofar as the others portray Bruce as the victim, and the Arab terrorist one paints Bruce as an unmolested perpetrator and aggressor, assuming one applies the standard of what a reasonable person would do in that situation. Nevertheless, if it turns out that this guy actually uses steroids, I'm sure Malkin, Limbaugh and others will fixate on the 'roid rage angle in order to absolve themselves of their own disgusting record of hatefully xenophobic rhetoric and try to deflate the whole Aus! Aus! Auslander raus! climate that is growing under their demented sway. Pricks.

One last thing and I'm done. I want to know if Jasen Bruce is a Christian. I think it's important and goes toward motive. The media certainly seems to think that his Marine Reservist status is important enough to mention, and indeed it seems to be his single defining and identifying trait in the articles I've read on this incident. So, if he is a Christian, did he do what he did because of his religion or in spite of it? Seems one could ask that last question of anyone with any kind of belief; I mean, if you remove the word "Christian", insert another religion/belief in its place and apply the correct pronouns, right? For example: did he do what he did because he's a Marine Reservist or in spite of it? See? Well, anyway, just asking...

My Thoughts Take Flight And Alight Upon A Distant Moonlit Shore--More Random Thoughts And Shit...

2009-11-06T06:00:00.021-05:00

I can't help but wonder if the people who are making a deliberate and concerted effort to point out that the Ft. Hood gunman is a Muslim also highlighted the fact that Dr. Tiller's killer is a Christian? Have any of them ever taken the time to condemn the religion of any other of this country's many mass murderers, assuming any of the other killers were religious? I doubt it. So, if you're a Christian you get a pass on your religion being a motivating factor for your actions, but not if you're a Muslim? How exactly does that work?

Using GOP logic about the worth of a bill based upon its number of pages or its physical size, specifically regarding the size of the DEM healthcare reform bill in comparison to the GOP version, then The Da Vinci Code is a much better book than War and Peace, or the Bible, for that matter...

In the Matrix movies, if the evil robotic overlords who enslaved mankind were so smart why didn't they just cause humanity to live under the illusion of living in a pretechnological society instead of one where humans had access to computers and telephones? Why not make humans think they're cave people and eliminate their threat? Also, the Matrix films suck donkey balls.

I don't need to be sassed by some fucking uppity snapping turtle. Keep that shit to yourself, you dickish fraud of a reptile!

Is there a better film than Andrei Rublev? Or Roadhouse? A guy can like both.

If Obama would simply do something substantial and effective for gays in this country, I would say that'd be reason enough for him to deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.

I hate the Star Wars movies. With a passion. Except for the first one. George Lucas has shown nothing but contempt for the collaborative effort of filmmaking because his horrible hubris and narcissism regarding his overwrought and overblown modern space mythology wouldn't allow any other perspectives or input, and in the process he ruined not only what he already filmed when he digitally redid the first three Star Wars snooze-fests, but he is one of the main culprits responsible for the ruination of cinema in general. Asshole.

Why doesn't Rush Limbaugh just invest in the Duke University lacrosse team? As he sees things I'm sure this is a perfect reflection of all that he thinks is wrong in U.S. society today: rich white guys getting screwed over by both a poor black female and the liberal media. A perfect match!

On a related note, over the years I've heard several critics, usually conservatives, suggest that if some marginalized group is excluded from a certain club, organization or endeavor then that group should form its own enterprise that reflects its own ideals and concerns instead of trying to get into the private exclusionary organization. For instance, since gays are not allowed to be Scout Masters, they have been told to get over being in the Boy Scouts and go form their own group, and when blacks have raised concern that they weren't being fairly represented on TV, movies and in other media they were chided into forming their own groups, and for the most part this is what's happened; minority groups have gone on to form their own organizations, but this raises two issues: why are these minority organizations often subsequently called racist or exlusionary for simply being reactions to inadequate representation and lack of concern or inclusion on the part of the culture at large? And why don't these conservatives practice what they preach? Limbaugh, instead of bemoaning his inability to become an NFL owner, should just form his own league where he can make up his own rules. Right?

Chipmunks can't wrestle for shit. Pussies.

For those who doubt evolution due to a supposed lack of corroborative transitional fossil evidence, all fossils are transitional fossils. Unless, of course, the fossil species went extinct or it has an unchanged modern living descendant. Otherwise everything is a transitional species. Now, as to whether we will find every before and after fossil is another question, since the process by which fossils are formed leaves the fossil record inherently scetchy at the very best...

I love this quote from Hegel, "Only one man has ever understood me and even he didn't". It's true. Hegel is a real ballbuster.

Is it just me or do the Victoria's Secret models look like they could use at least one good, solid meal a day? I think it'd put some meat on their bones, provided they actually ingest and digest the food...

Does Mark Levin have any bass at all to his voice? I mean, this guy's tone is nothing but treble/high end. Shit, my parents' chihuahua has a deeper, more manly and commanding voice than this shrill asshat doofus, and she's much, much smarter to boot. Levin's voice is the perfect embodiment of his mentality.

I tell ya, those dumbass frat boy ghost hunters on Ghost Adventures are complete and utter jerkoffs. These douchebags are running quite a scam for themselves.

I'm a southerner, born and bred, but I'll never understand my native region's love affair with grits. It's like sand ensconced in soft, warm snot. Nasty shit!

Why the fuck can't Francis Ford Coppola fit an entire version of Apocalypse Now onto a single DVD? The Apocalypse Now: The Complete Dossier set has both the original theatrical and the expanded Redux versions, but shows the first half of each on Disc 1 while Disc 2 shows the second half of each film. Why not put one version on one disc and the other version on the other disc, to preserve cinematic continuity for each film? Geez! These films don't need intermissions. Fuck!

Hey, Sham Wow/Slap-Chop guy! How about if I slap-chop your annoying ass all the way back up into your mama's dried out baby-chamber!!

The woman in those Palm Pre commercials sure is creepy. She looks like a living, breathing Rene Magritte painting. I prefer Max Ernst myself...

I can't help but wonder if people who hate Jackson Pollock's unique and wonderful artwork think that a slab of marble or granite is ugly also? Usually the critique of Pollock's work runs along the lines that it has no real, substantial content or it doesn't reflect the natural world in any way, like traditional painting has tended to do. I disagree with both accounts. Why should human artwork have to reflect nature in any way for it to be beautiful? What does nature reflect? Is it not enough that it be beautiful on its own merits, without it being a mimesis of something else? Can we only see beauty in such provincial terms? Usually these critics are theists, who consider modern art godless and depraved, and they never question the basic nature of the beauty of nature and the fact that it doesn't reflect anything outside of itself, unless they chose to think it reflects the mind of god, but if this is so this notion undoes their argument, because all the patterns in nature then reflect the mind of god, not nature itself, therefore god's undertaking is pure creation, not reflecting anything outside of himself/herself/it in the creative act. So if beauty can be an act of pure creation by some being, why can it not be human? But it's all smoke and mirrors, since what Pollock does is a reflection of some aspect of nature, even if it just reflects the artist's mind itself. The artist is god, in a very basic way. Again, Pollock's No. 22 or No. 8 are beautiful in their own right, just like a piece of marble, and for similar reasons...

The next Shetland pony that looks at me cross-eyed is gonna get kicked in the balls.

My Thoughts On Joe Lieberman And His Idiotic Opposition To The Public Option--Yeah, It's A Rant!

2009-11-04T04:00:00.027-05:00

Suck it, Lieberman. Just who the fuck do you think you are, you shitty little duplicitous dick bag? Waaaaa, waaaaa, waaaaa! No one pays any attention to me so I'm gonna stamp my feet and hold my breath until people stop making fun of me and start taking me seriously. I don't care if I have to derail some major legislation in the process. Waaaaa, waaaaa, waaaaa! Who cares if healthcare is important? So is my ego! I bet you love yourself so much that you can't even bear to part with your own bodily excretions. Hell, I bet you baste in them, making your own gravy, dont you? DON'T YOU!?! Mmmmmmm, this is so warm, gooey and viscous, it's like I'm bathing in me. Ohhhhhh, ahhhhhh, yes, I'm so awesome. Awesome? Hmmm, I don't know about that, but you're certainly one awesomely putrid asshole sucking butt leach. What's that? Oh, I'm sorry. Is that wrong of me? Am I being too harsh, too mean? Wellllllll, too fuckety fuck bad. I refuse to massage your precious little overly inflated sense of vanity, you twisted, old feline fingering fucknut fruitcake. I mean to crash that vain train while it's on its ego trip.

You know, you make me so angry, I could just vomit, and by vomit I mean hogtying your sorry ass and performing a colon-fucking-oscopy on you with a jackhammer and posting the resultant video on YouTube. Won't that be fun? Seriously, don't make me come up there and shit in your kasha varnishkes, because I will. If you don't believe me, then try me! But you know, you're such a fucking slimy douche bag twat polyp that you probably have Hadassah do that for you already, don't you, you nasty little cock canker? Nevertheless, someone really needs to grab you by your scrawny, wrinkled giblets and force you to inhale some of the ungodly shit you're spewing out for the rest of us to choke on. And that someone is my foot. I'll jam one of my steel-toe boots all the way up your fetid, rancid poop hole stink chamber to where your slippery, drippery ass cherry bursts so far asunder, you'll know what it's like to have someone fuck up your healthcare just to prove a point. I'll give you such a horribly fucked up pre-existing condition that even the proposed healthcare reform won't be able to cover it, you unholy melange of shit, piss and gangrenous schmutz!

So consider this a warning. I don't want to have to warn you again. Your phony self-righteous self-importance doesn't trump healthcare reform, you whiny, human soporific piss-ant fuck, so get that fat, bloated turncoat head of yours out of the health insurance lobby's fucking doughy white ass, grow some full size man bags out of those dinky little groin grapes of yours, and do your goddammed duty, you idiotic lowlife, opportunistic, shit slurping, traitorous, dickhole remora fish!

Have a nice day!

The GOP And Its Thoughts On Miscegenation--Yeah, It's What You Think, If You Think Its Thoughts Are Racist.

2009-10-27T05:00:00.051-04:00

From the GOP Facebook page. Cute isn't it? A picture of a our bi-racial president eating chicken with a caption reading: "Miscegenation is a CRIME against American values. Repeal Loving v. Virginia". Interracial relationships are a crime against American values? Seriously? Well, it's certainly no crime against my American values or the values of any sane, reasonable person, but apparently it really, really bothers the precious widdle "moral" sensibilities of some really, really fucking ignorant people. Hmmmm, I can't help but wonder if it could possibly be considered a "crime" against the racially bigotted, eliminationist and xenophobic "values" defined and practiced by the GOP? Yeah, I can buy that...

Face it, the GOP hasn't earned the privilege of being given the benefit of the doubt on issues like this; its own history of blatant racism and its laissez faire position on dealing with socio-cultural racism are a matter of public record (follow the link to a fucking brilliant blog post). And even if the GOP manages to offer up some sort of an apology or explanation for this particular incident, for it or anyone else to suggest it isn't responsible for this act and others like it, is completely disingenuous, because the real issue, and what might get overlooked in all of the semantic hullabaloo surrounding this whole affair, is that the person who posted this foul, racist garbage obviously felt the GOP site was a warm, welcoming and inviting place for this kind of thing. I wonder why? Now, if this racist shit had been posted at a Democratic website it would've been for shock value to enrage the lefties, to have some fun at their expense, but this was posted at a GOP site where it was thought to be right at home, perfectly in line with party ideology and practice. The point is that even if the GOP is not directly responsible for actually posting this image it is indirectly responsible for it being posted by fostering an environment that lures these kind of people to itself, people that feel comfortable manifesting their racism under the auspices of their political overlords and fellow party affiliates. I know that I wouldn't call anyone a racial slur unless 1) I am in fact a racist, and 2) it is considered acceptable behavior by a group of like-minded people in whose presence I feel comfortable. You know, strength through unity, unity through a shared vision...and all that crap. Well, I guess when the GOP's biggest, most vocal spokesperson can repeatedly call our bi-racial president a Halfrican American without censure, criticism or condemnation from his own party, what can you expect? Certainly not an ownership share in an NFL franchise, thank goodness. And, again, certainly not the benefit of the doubt in all matters racial. And the GOP wonders why it can't win over the African American community? Really? I guess when one's collective head is so far up one's collective ass that one is collectively able to sniff one's own collective armpit from the inside, that can easily happen...collectively speaking. But in all seriousness, the GOP really couldn't care less about winning over the African American community. It's quite apparent that it thinks its done quite well without the blacks, so it isn't too concerned about fixing what it doesn't really think is broken, right? By constantly having issues like the one mentioned above cropping up over and over again, almost ad nauseum, the Grand Old Party makes it pretty clear that it's not really interested in being inclusive to anyone but straight, white, Christian males, despite its claims to the contrary. It undoubtedly causes one to be very wary of the great yawning abyss between the GOP's de rigueur words and its de facto actions...actions...actions...

While I know it won't erase the GOP's long track record of racist horseshit I'd like to see if the GOP does the right thing by apologizing for this act and condemning it or if it tries to defer responsibility by claiming it had nothing to do with it, that it can't be held responsible for what gets posted on its website. My bet is the latter, but it might actually be a little bit of both. Hell, I wouldn't at all be surprised if it tries using the first amendment, you know, this person has the right to say anything he or she wants so who is the GOP to deny that right? Of course that's entirely true, but it's also completely lubricious bullshit. All I know is that as a white man dating a black woman I believe she and I both are owed an apology by the GOP and, really, so is every one else as well, because if we aren't all allowed to freely choose whom we love then true freedom is a chimera, and real American values are a fucking sham. There's no place for the kind of rhetoric contained in the image above, so make it right GOP. That is, if you actually have the courage to do so for once. We're all waiting...

ADDENDUM: Apparently this photo was on the GOP Facebook page since 10/20/'09, only to be quietly taken off the site very late in the day on 10/25/'09 with no commentary or explanation from the site administrator regarding why it took so long to remove it. This only further reinforces my thesis. Truly shameful and utterly reprehensible.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! A Conservative Women's Calendar!?? Yeah, Right. They Always Say That And It Ends Up Being Photos Of Squirrels Fucking A Titmouse.

2009-10-16T07:30:00.042-04:00

You've read about it. You've heard rumors about it. Now you can see it for yourselves. The Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute and Libertarian Livestock Quarterly Magazine have teamed up to bring you the 2010 Conservative Women's Calendar. Now every month you can be exposed to conservatism and not feel guilty about it because it's women this time! WOMEN! Well, mostly. Anyway, this calender will boost your morale and morals, even as it shames you into fiscal responsibility for not reusing that same special jerkoff napkin every time. Each month has a different conservative woman, along with her description and a horoscope for that month, so enjoy and be sure to wash afterwards!

Thank you, Clare Boothe Luce. Nothing personifies conservatism better than an elegantly attired dead white person, and you're the deadest.

January horoscope: You'll feel kinda bad part of the time, but at other times you'll feel pretty good.

Who says conservative women can't be sexy and intelligent? Well, okay, but thanks to Kate Obenshain, the founder of the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute, you can decide for yourself. Out to prove that conservative women can elicit more than just anger and condescension from their own men, she's succeeded in showing they can also draw forth laughter and vomit from the rest of us.

February horoscope: A lemur will kill you with a rock filled tube sock.

Unsure of your sexual preference? Well, heeeeeere's Ann Coulter. The offspring of an Afghan hound and The Fountainhead, she excites and teases with her wit, charm and ovotestes. While her gender is unclear, his ideology isn't; she's all Galt. Truly one of a kind!

March horoscope: You will find that having opposable thumbs will be too much responsibility.

Asian Malkin was born in the Phillipine jungle to a white pagan couple who adopted her from a Moro tribe, as depicted in the film Apocalypse Now. Today, though still a little brown foreigner, she's all growed up and fully Americanish. Able to overcome objective reality and truth with her blogs and books, she's a beacon of light for people who feel fettered by such constraints.

April horoscope: Feta cheese will find its way into your Greek salad. Why?

We don't really know who this is, but we needed 12 women for the calendar, so, well, there you have it. Had to cast a wider net, as it were, and dredged this up. She may be the cafeteria lady at the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute. Or a hooker. Whatever.

May horoscope: You will get a blister on your forehead in the shape of Ronald Reagan. Get ointments and call Politico.

This is another filler female. It's not easy finding 12 neocon women that don't look like Karl Rove in drag, so we had to farm out the month of June to the fry cook at the local KFC. She loves long walks, puppies, scraping people's genitals with clam shells and being called a skank. Talk about diversified interests! And she has all of her vaccinations! She's one finger lickin' good filly.

June horoscope: Your life will spiral downward into an unending miasma of bandages and cornish game hens.

Born to a family of naked, inbred Sasquatch in the forrested highlands of Mordor, Bachmann's political career was in fast food until she licked the backside of a woman she thought was Jesus. Undeterred by her complete lack of sanity, she entered the national political scene, where ironically, her many limitations and her unique comedy stylings make her a standout inside the beltway.

July horoscope: You will be declared the new George Lucas by the press, only to have God kill you and say, "Not again. Never again."

Like your conservatism with a couple of silicone dollops? Well then, have we got the woman for you! The liberal media elites did their best to destroy her by trying to make her look really, really stupid, but she outfoxed them and did it just fine on her own, embodying true conservative self-reliance in the process. She's self-made! Well, except for her tits.

August horoscope: Sorry, due to technical difficulties, blah, blah, blah.

Awwwwww, here's Bay Bay Bu Bu, or has her friends call her, Conrad. Need a doppelganger for the transsexual Erwin in the great Werner Fassbinder film, In A Year of 13 Moons? Then look no further. Bay Bay is way way too too awesome in her dual role as herself! Great at parties, and what party isn't complete without a little gender confusion to liven things up? Hilarity!

September horoscope: I'm not sure, but that mole on your neck is really getting redder and redder...

Formed in the galactic core during the last Mayan calendar long count processional 26,000 years ago, Schlafly has been a thorn in the side of liberals ever since, which may explain the fate of those nasty Meso-American leftists, the Mayans. Still going strong, Schlafly likes to taunt worms, puree salamanders and roast children she traps in her gingerbread cottage in the woods.

October horoscope: You will move to a new town and it will force you to duck a lot.

After years of driving nails with her face and constantly being attacked by feral cats, Crupp decided to try her hand, and face, in a new arena: politics. Now driving people crazy with her conservative views, she's still constantly being attacked by feral cats, but now she just bites their heads off and feeds them to Jim DeMint. Such a good little neocon!

November horoscope: You better stow away a little money for an emergency. Oh, and your head will be crushed in a car door.

Oh! Almost forgot. We have a black one. Some of our best friends are black ones. No, really.

December horoscope: A new year is just around the corner. Hold on. HOLD ON!

SARDONIC POSTER - Obama's Homo-Erratic Gay Rights Policy.

2009-10-13T05:00:00.005-04:00

Goddammit, Mr. Obama. Why bother to take the five seconds to sign an executive order ending the enforcement of the ridiculous DADT policy, when you can just string along and fuck with gay people? I mean, it's only their inalienable rights that are at stake. Fuck. Most gay people know that getting obstructions to their rights removed via legislation will be a protracted, bitter and violent fight, but why can't you just show some good faith with the aforementioned executive order? In that one simple gesture you will have done more for the gay community than any president in history and shown everyone that you mean business. Your signature would equal an immeasurable and unequivocal statement of solidarity with not only our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, but with the whole of humanity; for where the rights of a few are deprived, none are safe. So start the ball rolling and begin to remove the obstacles to what gays and lesbians are entitled to, allow them access to what you and I take for granted: basic human and civil rights. Unless, of course, there's some specific exclusionary language in the Constitution or Bill of Rights showing the need to strip those rights from people with a certain sexual orientation. Ha ha ha, just kidding. There's no such language. No more excuses. Get with it, mister.

Nation Stunned, Shocked To Discover Giant Feminine Hygiene Product Posing As Duly Elected U.S. Senator

2009-10-05T03:03:00.039-04:00

Of late, the nation has been horrified to discover that Kentucky has forgotten the ways of both God and man by having a genuine douchebag as its U.S. Senate representative in Washington, DC. How Kentucky was able to keep up this charade for as long as it did is still unclear, but John Schmoopie (R-Wyoming), Chairman of the Senate Subcommittee on Vaginal Cleanliness states that, “We are on top of this and we will not rest until we get this whole thing cleaned up. Get it? H-O-L-E thing...cleaned up?" He then snorted and proceeded to giggle like a little girl for the next few minutes.

The douchebag in question goes by the brand name of Jim "Summer's Eve" Bunning (R-Kentucky), and it first entered the U.S. Senate in 1998, and remained inserted there ever since. Before then it spent the preceding 20 years in Kentucky politics, routinely buggering Bluetick Coonhounds, after ending its Hall of Fame baseball career in 1971, due to its unhealthy obsession with Bluetick Coonhounds and its unsightly, irregular man tits. In fact, many investigators suggest that its baseball tenure should have been the very first clue to its douchebaggery since professional baseball attracts many, many more douchebags than any other professional sport. When informed that this conclusion doesn’t necessarily follow, since there are maybe even more assholes in baseball, one investigator replied, “Yeah, well, it could very well be an asshole, and that is one avenue we are pursuing, but the preliminary findings point to it being a douchebag due to an overwhelmingly terrible vinegary smell associated with it when things heat up on the Senate floor and several people have filed reports that this thing drips and oozes certain, uh...liquidy substances normally found in menses. That and the fact that it just looks and acts like a typical fucking douchebag. Uh, pardon my French."

When asked how it would be possible for any feminine hygiene product, let alone a gigantic one such as this, to go unnoticed for so long, one anonymous insider said, “Are you kidding? It wouldn't appear out of place here in D.C. since this place is full of nothing but pussies...and all of the requisite accessories that involves, obviously. But lately the evidence was too overhwelming, what with this thing cursing, openly hoping for certain people to die, spouting debunked talking points on healthcare reform and falling asleep in the middle of Senate sessions...and the smell. It was just really obvious. The truly remarkable thing is that some people felt that by inserting this horrid, toxin-spewing tool into the Senate chamber it would flush out the mess and make Washington a fresh, squeaky clean place. Uh, wrong. This thing is a complete poisonous mess and needs to be disposed of quickly before it does any more harm than it already has, which is really quite considerable..."

A spokesman for Jim Bunning declared, "The Senator wants me to tell anyone concerned that he not only 'is not a douchebag but anyone who thinks he is a douchebag is a goddammed douchebag. So there!' Further, he says, 'You don't know me. I do what I want. Yeah, how you like me now, bitches? Leave me alone--I need to go find a warm moist place to take a nap'"

Apparently, the hilarious incongruity inherent in its statement of denial is lost on the douchebag, which is one of the things that points to it being one, I guess. Oh, well. As the facts unfold, I will keep you updated, dear readers...

Addendum: Just as this article was about to post news came in from the prestigious Zach Galifianakis Institute for Ironic Research and Non Sequitur Studies: "Summer's Eve" Bunning definitively determined to be an asshole/douchebag and not just a douchebag. Submitted to various stress inducing measures, such as having his testicles deliberately caught in a zipper (not his own) or being told that Ronald Reagan was routinely fingered by Bonzo, Bunning's responses were recorded, measured, tallied and gathered to determine his proper category, with the new designation listed as the aforementioned asshole/douchebag (also referred to as assbag, assdouche, douchehole or Kanye West). This is important knowledge as it will affect census data for certain voting districts around the country, namely areas with large Duke Blue Devil basketball fans, and/or Dallas Cowboy and/or New York Yankees fans. The 2010 Census has added the new asshole/douchebag category for its information gathering purposes based upon a recent scientific study that found a high overlap between douchebags and assholes, with many socio-gynecologists claiming these two groups are in fact indistinguishable, therefore not separate species, much like agnathan fish and FOX News talking heads, or nematodes and the Michelle Malkins. For now, the asshole/douchebag will be classified as a distinct subspecies for matters of pejorative nomenclature, linguistic taxonomy and having enormous fun at other people's expense.

I BURST MY HEAD UPON A THOUGHT AND A DREAM FELL OUT AND GREW: A COLLECTION OF RANDOM THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS AND SHIT...

2009-10-02T04:00:00.025-04:00

* I finally figured it out--Michele Bachmann wants her own TV show. Don't believe me? Watch at about the 34 second mark when she pulls her hair back, takes off her glasses and looks directly at the camera with a very cheesy melodramatic flair and talks to it. Now tell me she's not auditioning! I pray it doesn't work, because if this googly-eyed gorgon of egregious gobbledygook gets her own TV show then people everywhere will end up in epileptic seizures from the overwhelming power of her heebie jeebie, flittery jittery ocular orbs.

* If I see one more of those black and white, Match.com TV commercials that try to convey just how precious and quirky its clients are I'm gonna burn the mothafucka down! No more rollerskating, kilt wearing, quiche eating, stilt walking, hipster bullshit. It's got to stop or I'm gonna fuck someone up. Shit!

* Does Glenn Beck ever clean out his vagina? Seriously, does he ever fumigate that thing to keep it from causing him, or us, any undue irritation? If he doesn't, it might explain everything...

* On these TV judge programs (Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, et al.), why does the white judge always have a black bailiff and the black judge always have a white bailiff?

* I want to go see the film 2012 in the worst way, even though I know it's not high cinema and it will suck horribly. I mean, it's directed by that hack who made Independence Day, that putrid Godzilla remake, the simply awful The Day After Tomorrow and the truly ridiculous 10,000 BC. (sorry, Jennifer--maybe one day you'll forgive me for that one), but I love seeing massive destruction on a grand scale up on the big screen. Unless it's done by Michael Bay, then I say fuck it.

* Why do my neighbor's kids always recoil in horror or cower in fear when I threaten them with my tire iron? Weird...

* Why does the FOX Broadcasting Company have the best shows on network TV, but the worst news channel subsidiary? Fringe is the coolest show, while House, MD is probably the best. Go figure.

* I wonder how many of these so called "pull yourself up by your own bootstrap" self-reliant right wingers pray to God for help in their daily lives?

* If guns don't kill people, people do, then guns don't save lives, people do. It doesn't work both ways.

* I really hope Texas secedes. Most of my family lives there and I've yet to visit another country, so this would be my best chance to do so...

* No matter where I live, my heart will always rest in the warm bosom of the West Virginia hills.

* I should challenge Rush Limbaugh to a no holds barred, all out street fight, sanctioned and governed by UFC rules and officials.

* The thing I love most about this country is that it allows us all to have differing opinions: you yours and me the right one.

* Are Mika Brzezinski and Carson Kressley the same person?

* Prairie dogs are fucking racists.

* Why can I stoically sit through a whole work shift while passing a kidney stone, yet whine and bitch like Glenn Beck if I get a cold or sinus infection?

* The best time of day is that magic hour of twilight when all the world is golden red, transcendance distilled in the last light before the infinite night.

* Never trust a proctologist who's missing some fingers.

* Does Sean Hannity have a large dead groundhog covering his head or is that really his own hair? His head looks like a chicken egg that exploded into fur.

* I have no faith in cantelopes.

* If I were given the Ring of Gyges would I use it for good or evil?

* Babies are such douchebags.

* If beagles are so fucking great why can't they fly airplanes?

* "We weren't fighting, officer. We just were hugging...with extreme prejudice."

* My girlfriend's farts are so cute. It's like her little butt is saying BLLLAARRRGGHP!!!

* Why are the worst drivers always the people who have those Jesus fish on their vehicles?

DOUBLE SARDONIC POSTER: Sarah Palin Edition--Turning Self-Generated Victimhood Into a Virtue

2009-09-29T05:30:00.024-04:00

Thank you for returning to the spotlight, Sarah Palin. With the announcement of the November arrival of your mavericky memoir, Going Rogue: An American Life, I'm reminded how you were able to throw self-created victimhood and lack of accountability into the highly pressurized crucible of intense public strutiny, transforming them not into irrelevancy or ostracism, but into absolute zealotry and feverish fervor on the part of your followers to position you as a paragon of political pertinence. Your infinite shortcomings and gaffs have become cute and endearing traits that your fans simply ignore or spin into positive boons to prove your qualifications for a serious, sound leadership role. Now, if a doctor, lawyer or auto mechanic were similarly inept or equally unqualified we would just pass them by on the way to find one who is competent and qualified, but not so with political leaders. No, apparently they get uncontested acceptance and approval if they're supremely stupid enough, the idea being that no one can be that stupid, so he or she must be stupid like a fox. God, I love this country. Sarah, the savior, outwitting the backstabbing, evil liberals on her way to rejuvenating America and leading it back to its former greatness and glory, pulling it out of the slough of putrifaction in which it is currently mired, just like several other right wing leaders tried to do with some other countries back in the 20th century, in Europe, I think...

Well, anyway, I wish you great luck with your first book. Actually, you don't need luck, do you? You have a solid, built in fawning audience that hangs on your every word and it craves after any tidbit of info on you it can suck the life out of and ingest. If you say something they will believe it, hook, line and sinker. Having said that I can't help but wonder if you're aware of this insignificant little matter, that the word rogue, by most accounts, doesn't have any good or positive connotations to it. Just in case you have no idea what I'm talking about I've provided some nice dictionary definitions of the word for you below. I hope this doesn't cause any trouble for you, but then, I won't be surprised if you're able to turn this negative into a positive too, like you've managed to do with oh, so many others, you savvy political alchemist you. Anyway, keep fighting that fight that only you are fighting and don't stop being so fucking stupid, you insufferable twit. It just might get you the presidency.

rogue

n.

1. An unprincipled, deceitful, and unreliable person; a scoundrel or rascal.

2. One who is playfully mischievous; a scamp.

3. A wandering beggar; a vagrant.

4. A vicious and solitary animal, especially an elephant that has separated itself from its herd.

5. An organism, especially a plant, that shows an undesirable variation from a standard.

adj.

1. Vicious and solitary. Used of an animal, especially an elephant.

2. Large, destructive, and anomalous or unpredictable: a rogue wave; a rogue tornado.

3. Operating outside normal or desirable controls: "How could a single rogue trader bring down an otherwise profitable and well-regarded institution?" (Saul Hansell).

v., rogued, rogu·ing, rogues.

v.tr.

1. To defraud.

2. To remove (diseased or abnormal specimens) from a group of plants of the same variety.

OBAMA'S AMERICA: WELCOME TO THE RUSH LIMBAUGH SCHOOL OF RACIAL SENSITIVITY AND ETHNIC HARMONY

2009-09-17T08:30:00.027-04:00

I know it's been a while since I posted anything, and frankly I was seriously debating the prospects of giving up on the blogging venture all together, but leave it to that fat, fucking low life, inhuman piece of shit Rush Limbaugh to get me so fired up that I had to respond to his incredibly assinine, fucked up logorrhea and twisted, St. Vitus' dance logic. That people seriously take this runny scummy human butt boil as anything more than a mere caricature of a human being is beyond me, but since so many people do, that means he must be dealt with. Hence, I'm going to delve into his latest stupidity which involves his not so veiled, Klannish views on race and his delusional rhetorical and logical failings.

Limbullshit's latest egregious moronic endeavour is the big pile of completely slimy horseshit contained in his comments about race in relation to a recent fistfight on a school bus where a white kid was beaten by a couple of black kids. Lots of people were jumping to make racially charged claims of black racism and "white victimhood" without waiting to find out what really happened. Limbaugh in his own typical overblown, hyperbolic, holier-than-thou, righteously indignant, knee-jerk reactionary way jumped into the fray with the following gems of racial insight, beginning with him crying racism and laying the blame for it at the foot of President Obama:

LIMBAUGH: Greetings, my friends. It's Obama's America, is it not? Obama's America -- white kids getting beat up on school buses now. I mean, you put your kids on a school bus, you expect safety, but in Obama's America, the white kids now get beat up with the black kids cheering, "Yeah, right on, right on, right on!" And of course, everybody says, "Oh, the white kid deserved it, he was born a racist, he's white." Newsweek magazine told us this.

Here he is disagreeing with the police assessment that the infraction was a simple case of bullying:

LIMBAUGH: I think the guy's wrong. I think not only it was racism, it was justifiable racism. I mean, that's the lesson we're being taught here today. Kid shouldn't have been on the bus anyway. We need segregated buses -- it was invading space and stuff. This is Obama's America.

On trying to disingenuously undermine homosexuality and justify racism:

LIMBAUGH: If homosexuality being inborn is what makes it acceptable, why does racism being inborn not make racism acceptable? I'm sorry -- I mean, this is the way my mind works. But apparently now we don't choose racism, we just are racists. We are born that way. We don't choose it. So shouldn't it be acceptable, excuse -- this is according to the way the left thinks about things.

Yeah, no white kid ever got beat up by a black kid before Obama became president. In fact, before Obama there was nothing but rainbows and kittens everywhere and blacks knew their place... Nevertheless, I wanted to be sure I was understanding his pseudo-philosophical pig-itude properly so I cut and pasted Big Pigshit's first quote into the Limbaugh Online Translation Service and this is what it said he really meant to say:

"This illegal Kenyan blue gum's presidency is all it took for these brutish, savage young bucks to unleash their naturally forceful rascality so as to undermine the innate, holy goodness of white culture, attaining unfair reparations through outright violent acts since they can't do it with right-mindedness. Pandora's box has been opened and hell hath no fury like an uppity moon cricket that's under Obama's evil influence."

Shit! I'm glad I have no kids that could be subjected to that kind of torment. And by "that kind of torment" I mean, having a child actually hear anything Limbaugh spews out of his hateful, gob-stopping, baboon fellating pie hole. What a horrible fucking human being he is, a real piece of racist donkey shit. I guess in Limbaugh's America little white kids getting beat up by black kids is not only wrong but clearly symptomatic of a larger, overall developing trend, and incidents of blacks being beaten with baseball bats on the night of Obama's election or even President Obama recieving 400 times more death threats than any other president are not only acceptable but obviously isolated. I mean, Lord High Pigshit's silence on the latter in contrast to his howels of horror regarding the former is so deafening that his tacit approval for the latter is to be inferred, especially since he apparently recognizes such bigotry when he thinks he sees it directed at whites. He's not completely blind to it, just selectively so. This speaks volumes...

What also speaks volumes is that, as usual, he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about, and not just regarding his racist numbnuttery, but in his Newsweek citation as well. I'm aware of Limbaugh's many intellectual shortcomings and profligate rantings, but he still managed to pique my curiosity with this Newsweek story, so I found the article, read it for myself and, lo and behold, I discovered a very minor, inconsequential matter that Limbaugh apparently failed to notice:

Neither the cover nor the article itself claim that babies are born racist! In fact, the article answers the cover question in the negative. The story explains how organizing principles in a baby's developing brain will group items together, and how, over time, without proper parental guidance those organizational constructs may go on to coalesce with ambient pressures to develop into racial biases or preferences. Babies aren't born racist, they're born with the ability to form simple associations based on basic physical traits, not based on abstract notions such as race or culture. In short, racism is nurtured by one's environment and can be facilitated by the natural mental tendency to gather "like" things with each other. That's it. So where Limbaugh got the idea that Newsweek says babies are born racist is a mystery. Or maybe not. Assuming Limbaugh could even be bothered to actually read the article, it's clear that he's either such a fucking terminally stupid turd slurping, butt nugget that he couldn't possibly understand it, what with it being all full of words and numbers and stuff, or he's just towing the through-the-looking-glass partisan line of claiming black is white and up is down. Personally, I think it's a whole lot of both, because you don't need to read something or understand it to be intentionally daft or to just make up whatever kind of shit you want. Who needs reality when a fantasy can be so much better?

Concerning the second quote all I will say is that I love how Limbaugh just knows this was a racial situation on the part of the black kids. He obviously knows more about it than the cops investigating the matter. Those kids are black, so they must be racist! I mean, it has to be a black racist shenanigan or Pigshit's notion of an evil empire of Obama's creation and influence just doesn't hold water, right? Well, it doesn't hold any water anyway, but that's from a sane person's viewpoint, so we won't say anything to Rush or his shitto--er...dittoheads about it (they have so little, obviously). No, the facts are fungible, the important thing is that people see Limbaugh as savior to Obama's racist Satan.

Also, that he's even trying to defend racism says a lot about what a genuine douchebag he is, even if it's done in apparent jest, especially with his track record of racial bigotry and in relation to the subject matter he's discussing. Smart people know that just because a condition is congenital that it's not necessarily acceptable, nor unacceptable, for that matter. There are many congenital conditions that are detriments, diseases or pathologies, so it's clear there are other criteria involved in determining the validity of homosexuality or any other congenital condition. People who do reduce it down to the notion that something is valid by virtue of it being "inborn" are just providing soundbites for easy public discourse on the subject or are simply giving an opposing answer to address the ridiculous and overly simplistic notion that being gay is just an easy matter of cavalierly choosing one lifestyle option among many others, like changing careers or learning a new language. No, there are many other determining factors involved in assessing homosexuality, and they're not part of some grand conspiracy to enforce an agenda, or to destroy Western civilization or to undermine heterosexuality but to enlighten people and redress superstitious and unfounded misgivings, outright ignorance and biases that have lead to unnecessary hostility, violence and deaths--you know, all the stuff Limbaugh relishes, defends and condones. That Limbaugh conflates the acceptance of homosexuality with racism, creating a patently false equivalency between them, shows just how fucked up this mind-numbingly moronic dickhole is and how much he's just grasping at straws to make a "reasonable" argument in order to justify his own bigotry.

But to be fair, and to show just how far his rhetorical reach has exceeded his logical grasp, let's say he's right; let's say that racism is inborn therefore it should be acceptable, doesn't that undermine his position that Obama is responsible for what those horribly racist black kids did to that sweet, innocent white kid? Obama's America, remember? Racism is inborn, remember? I mean, I know that in Rush's world apparently only black kids are racist, but using his "logic" they can't be doing what they're doing because of Obama, not if they were born to it. And to think there are people who take this buffoon to be some great political thinker; he couldn't think his way out of a wet paper bag. He has no logical leg to stand on and since he can't have this situation both ways, we have to label him a pitiable fool and move on from there. Actually, he's just a fucking partisan tool with nothing good to say or do for this country. But let's be clear here, Limbaugh has a long, strong history of lies, bad logic, race baiting and using hatefully stupid and inflammatory rhetoric in order to further his political agenda, which is to secure unbridled capitalism and total conservative, white male hegemony. Therefore, we, the sane, need to be vigilant and wary of anything and everything he says or does. He's an evil sack of pusillanimous pigshit and as such deserves no respect, no support and no concession. He deserves only our scorn, rebuke and ridicule.

Imprecatory prayer anyone? I'm sorry -- I mean, this is the way my mind works. Maybe I was born this way...

SARDONIC POSTER - The RePUBLICan OPTION

2009-09-04T04:30:00.011-04:00

Holy fucking shit! Thanks GOP for trying to remove the public option from any talk on healthcare reform. The last thing I need is one more choice to confuse me or to complicate my life further than it is currently. You understand that though, don't you, GOP? You know more than any political party just what the real "salt of the earth", regular folk need out of life. Obviously, your decision to keep the public option from being a real part of the discussion on H.R. 3200 shows that you know what's best for us, that you are not in favor of letting the government interfere in our lives. I mean, a public option, with its Medicare-like structure and implimentation, would be a monumental mess just like Medicare, or so you tell us. Of course, when you decide something for me beforehand on a matter that isn't mandatory or even requires me to make any decision on whatsoever, you're not asserting any control over my life or even insulting my ability to decide for myself, you're just following your principles of preventing an evil invasive government from putting something in front of me that I may not choose anyway. You've just cut out the middle man, so to speak. Who wants a life where there are as many options as possible, some of which might ensure better medical coverage, lower costs and even peace of mind? Peace of mind? Who could possibly have peace of mind knowing there is a myriad of choices to make each and every day? No one wants that burden. That's not freedom, that's slavery. You're simply trying to keep us all from being slaves to choices, choices made available by that dumbshit government you're protecting us from, and I for one, applaud your totally un-ironic and non-hypocritical position on choosing the option to not let us, the people, choose for ourselves. Why, it's as if you've come between me and my healthcare decisions, effectively killing off what you decide is completely unnecessary, behaving like, well, some sort of bureaucratic determining body--like, oh, I don't know, say, some kind of...death panel or something. Bravo! And thank you, thank you, thank you.

OH! GOP, I forgot to ask you this question: if the government can't start up, run or manage any of its many programs and services without fucking them up miserably, just how exactly is government competent enough to take over our lives? I mean, I understand how you say it can't run our lives properly, but how is it even able to take them over in the first place? Is government really that bad all the time or is what you are saying about the competence of government just a chimera? Hmmmmm, curious...

SARDONIC POSTER - The Great White Trope

2009-09-03T04:30:00.005-04:00

Thank you, Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-KS) for having the temerity and stupidity to cut through all of the GOP bullshit and boldly proclaim that the great white way is the only way. You get mad props for openly declaring what the GOP privately endorses and publicly denies. It's funny, this whole affair reminds me of this T.S. Eliot quote:

"We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

I guess that for Mrs. Jenkins not only did the end of all GOP "exploration" lead back to the place where only a white person will do, but all of that "exploration" merely confirmed what Republicans believed all along anyway, right? Right? Oh, hell, who am I kidding? The GOP never explores any other options, everything else is just pure political posturing and unabashed tokenism. The GOP does a pretty good job with all of the monumentally hypocritical paying lip service to the, "We have a wide tent, we're inclusive," bullshit rhetoric, but every now and then some GOP dunce lets slip the tongue, tumbles ass over elbow into some dumbshit racist controversy and ends up exposing the real GOP position, and frankly it's both hilarious and pathetic to see. And the Republicans wonder why they can't win over the African American or Hispanic communities...

*I will try to be more relevant and topical in the future, but I wasn't in a very bloggy mood this past week, so this is what you get as a result :-P

YOU LIKE ME! YOU LIKE ME! YOU REALLY, REALLY DO!

2009-09-02T03:00:00.020-04:00

I would like to thank the great Dr. Zaius for bestowing upon me the highly desirable and incredibly illustrious Honest Weblog Award. I would also like to thank everyone who stops by and makes me feel like what I do here has some value.

Honest Weblog Award Rules:

1. You must brag about the award.

2. You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to that blogger.

3. You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with the Honest Weblog Award.

5. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself.

Then pass it on with the instructions!

A minimum of seven blogs that I find brilliant in content or design:

*I'm uncomfortable with this part of the award instructions because I'm in no way trying to suggest that any of the blogs not listed here aren't worthy of any recognition or mention, but simply that these are the blogs that I read every day without fail and I find them either humorous, informative, imaginative or a combination of each:

Phuck Politics--many of you have seen his comments on my blog, and in fact he did a guest post here a few months back, but you should all go and check out his site. He likes to curse and rant.

Osborne Ink--one of the best bloggers out there, period. He's smart, insightful, prolific, and every time I go to his blog I learn something new or see something in a new way.

Hysterical Raisins--smart and hilarious. Her movie posters are the best.

The Middle of Nowhere--intelligent, funny and a fine writer. She uses her wit and intellect to be really creative and her posts are inclined to make one say, "Damn, I wish I had thought of that!"

Michael-In-Norfolk--Coming Out In Midlife--a gay man's honest, courageous, heartbreaking and ultimately encouraging and humane blog concerning the cost of coming out in a world that is still way too hostile towards gay people.

Just My Little Piece of the World--just a really good blog. Straightforward and germane.

The Well-Armed Lamb --Woody is a proud, died-in-the-wool leftist with a sharp mind and sharp tongue (keypad) and isn't afraid to tell it like he sees it, which is why his blog is always such a great read.

Poietes--a fantastic blog about living, poetry, prose and turning life into art and vice versa from a great writer with a unique perspective on things.

Ten True Things About Me:

1. I have the best girlfriend ever. She's my buddy and she's the coolest person I know or know of...and she has a really nice rack. lol. Jen, you rock!

2. I used to be a conservative, but I recuperated and got over it. In my defense, it was the default setting in my household and in much of the region where I grew up, and honestly, I was never completely sold on it to begin with. However, over time, as I became an adult, and managed to get some life experiences under my belt I found that conservatism was not a viable ideology for the reality I experienced then and still experience now.

3. I hate driving. Well, let me say that I hate driving here in Virginia. These people are some of the worst drivers I have ever encountered anywhere.

4. I like dogs better than cats. I like both, I just prefer dogs.

5. I'm a birdwatcher, although I haven't been out just to bird watch in a while...

6. My favorite film is the mesmerizing and transcendental Andrei Rublev by the inimitable Andrei Tarkovsky

7. My favorite book is the astonishing and epochal Ulysses by James Joyce

8. I find blogging to be a tedious chore, and while I have nothing really substantial to say, I find that I can't not say it, or write it, as it were. Which is why I admire people who can blog daily and have something fresh and interesting to add to the discourse.

9. For all of my intellectual pretensions I find that there is nothing better than just seeing stuff blow up. I think one of the best jobs in the world would be working on the TV show Myth Busters. It would be a perfect blend of logic, analysis and a more primal desire to make things go explodey!

10. I will always laugh at a fart. Always.

RUSH LIMBAUGH CAUGHT IN PATHETIC SEX SCANDAL, LITERALLY WITH HIS PANTS DOWN. PITY, HILARITY ENSUE!

2009-08-26T07:00:00.015-04:00

In a tale too hilarious even for GOP standards, radio personality and all around swell guy, Rush Limbaugh, is embroiled in a scandal, in what some are calling Limbaugh's "gay haze". It seems that the Jeff Christie part of Rush Limbaugh never really went away as Limbaugh was arrested for harassing strippers at a gay gentleman's club called The Mandango in downtown Palm Beach, Florida on Friday.

According to club owner, Guy Twohy, Limbaugh came in alone and sat in the back in a darkened corner, ordered a couple of drinks, and began smoking a cigar. "The only reason I remember his entry is that he came in as he always does, but this time he had on a nice suit and a big clown nose and cat rimmed glasses disguise. He had to use straws in his drinks (due to the mask) and that was odd for him, but nothing really outrageous. It seemed harmless; I mean, I was just glad to see him fully clothed for once, so I didn't think anything else of it. Rush is a strange guy but he always tips good and treats the guys really well, especially Darla, the Israeli pre-op tranny, so why should I care if he has on a clown face," said Twohy?

But according to eyewitnesses Limbaugh was drinking heavier than usual and began to become very agitated. Reportedly, he would periodically shout at the strippers, "I got a stimulus package for you", or "If politics makes for strange bedfellows, well, how about it?", or "I feel like a new man, know where I can find one?", or "I haven't been feeling myself lately; mind if I feel you instead?" Several frustrated club patrons confronted Limbaugh in an attempt to get him to calm down but he just laughed, got up and pushed past them to get up on the stage where he began to harass stripper Mike Jones. At first Jones thought it was somewhat humorous as the situation was a bit confusing, but as soon as Limbaugh dropped his own pants and underwear (in a remarkably quick maneuver), touched Jones and began to sing the chorus to It's Raining Men, the exotic dancer whirled around and kicked the offender in the groin. According to witnesses it was a very well aimed kick, and had to be, because Limbaugh's package is abnormally small, even for a Republican. Limbaugh dropped to the floor of the stage, whereupon he was grabbed by bouncers and carried out of the side doors and dumped in the alley where he remained, laying like a deboned fish until the police arrived (pun intended).

According to early reports coming out of the Palm Beach Police Department, Limbaugh had had a really bad day leading up to the gentleman's club incident. He had gotten hold of a bad batch of Oxycontin and it made him trip out somewhat, causing him to whoosh about defecating on several people's lawns and shrubbery throughout the day, and later on when the alcohol was mingled with the Oxycontin it caused Rush to blow a gasket and drop his inhibitions which in turn caused him to drop his trousers, and finally his dignity. When asked about the disguise, Police Chief James Agger replied that Limbaugh had confided to detectives that, "...he knew that the great love of his life, Ronald Reagan, was watching him from above and he didn't want Him to think that he, Rush, was cheating on Him, but at the same time Rush couldn't not go and try to get some, so he tried to disguise himself. Of course, he was off his gourd from the bad Oxycontin, but I'm sure it made sense to him at the time. It might explain some of the other things he thinks and says on a regular basis though too, but that's another story, I guess..."

No direct comment from Limbaugh as of yet, but when we find out something you'll be the first to know, good readers.

A Foul Fowl Foot Afoot

2009-08-21T07:39:00.004-04:00

Hey, Dick. DICK! Look here for a minute. Yep, that's what I thought. You got a little something on your lips there. Somethin' stuck in your teeth too. Right, there! Yeah, there. You got it.

Fucker.

SARDONIC POSTER, PLUS A CAUTIONARY TALE

2009-08-19T05:00:00.019-04:00

A Burlington, Vermont man is in critical condition and remains in a coma since a devastating misshap over the weekend. According to reports, the man (who remains anonymous upon request of his family) was eating dinner in his lounge chair, watching TV, when he began choking. His wife, who was in the kitchen when the choking started, rushed into the living room to see her husband convulsing in massive distress. Not knowing what was wrong, therefore not knowing exactly what to do, the quick thinking wife, on a hunch, turned the TV to the Glenn Beck show, whereupon the man coughed up the offending obstruction and immediately passed out.

Doctors are being extremely cautious about the man's chance of recovery, however. Family spokesman, Dr. Leonard Toole, says, "Well, it's a very touchy situation, that's for sure. Due to this terrible accident he's sustained severe brain trauma so we're going to have to take this moment by moment, day by day. There's just no way of knowing if he'll regain any or all functionality or if he'll remain a complete, drooling vegetable, which, unfortunately, is the state he's in currently." When asked if mere choking could cause such a horrible physical injury, Dr. Toole responded, "Oh, no. It wasn't the choking, it was the second of exposure to the Glenn Beck show that caused all the brain damage. So yeah, there's real cause for extreme and intense concern."

Off the record, several reliable sources confided in this reporter that this poor man is totally fucked. One source said, "He just didn't have the systemic capability to withstand such a sudden, overwhelming onslaught of toxic, bilious, batshit insanity. Yes, that is the proper medical terminology. Nevertheless, most people get enough small doses of it throughout the years to be able to fight it off, to build up an immunity to it. Some simply get infected by it and it slowly rots their brains out over time like syphilis, and a small percentage of people react like this guy did. His whole being shut down rather than face it. He was just too sane to handle it. Damn that Glenn Beck! He should be declared a public health hazard!"

So there you have it, good readers. You've been warned...

WHILE HOME I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO REACQUAINT MYSELF WITH OLD FRIENDS, VISIT FAVORITE PLACES AND--FUCK IT! JUST GIMME A BISCUIT!

2009-08-17T05:00:00.027-04:00

I'm from the South. That means among other things that I was raised on a steady diet of deep fried fatty substances, heavy starches, and the occasional green vegetable. You could pinch my skin and lard would ooze out of the pores, but I'm not complaining. In fact, there are few things in life I love more than a meal of chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes with white gravy, green beans and butter biscuits, and, by god, if there's a heaven, it will be full of light, flaky, buttery, cat head biscuits--the term cat head denotes the size, not the content or ingredients...I think. Anyway...

The day is almost over, suspended in that short time of half-light right before sundown when all the world is golden and ancient, and an end is come to my hallowed pilgrimage to the elder shrines of my life's experiences--reliving shimmering memories of halcyon days of bygone times, traversing the winding backroads of my ephemeral existence--when I get a fuckin' hankerin' for somethin' to eat! Fuck nostalgia, I need to get my grub on! And not just any old food type thing is gonna do either! I need a biscuit from Tudor's Biscuit World, that gullet gorging gluttonous pagoda of the gods common to the hills and valleys of Almost Heaven, West "By God" Virginia. Now, for those of you unwashed heathen unfamiliar with this magic kingdom of gastro-hedonistically delicious delights, you can be forgiven because as far as I know this franchise has not crossed any borders into those nether regions known as "states" that aren't West Virginia. Once it branches out into such heretical and barbaric areas (indicated by blank spaces on any map that's worth a cartographer's ass), these places will be blessed with something truly special and really, so totally above them. But I digress. So, Tudor's it is then. But which biscuit? Which one can slake my hunger and leave me completely sated and contented? I begin to panic. It is now, at this moment of greatest existential indecision and least moral certainty that I have a revelation, an epiphany: check out a menu. Yeah, that's it! Gosh, I'm really smart. I rule! When I finish congratulating myself for my super-colossal, amazing powers of deductive reasoning and Fregean logic, which, when you really think about it should not be that big a deal since by now I should be so used to it and all, but I'm only human so I amaze myself--what was I saying? Umm...

So, anyway I scoot on over to the restaurant and pull up to the drive-thru menu. As soon as I roll down my winder (that's "window" for all you un-West Virginians), the order box crackles and zaps, "Bwahn tak da uduh pees".

"Oh, she's fine", I say, messing with the order taker.

"Motted oohh zay", says the metal box.

"Nothing. Can you give me a moment to decide what I want?" No time to be silly, I have important things to do here now.

"Yex", it said.

Clearly some circuits were blown, I'm just not sure if they're mine or the order box's. Nevertheless, I proceed to scan the menu. Should I get the Thundering Herd, the Mountaineer, or any of the other tasty artery choking WV themed creations? Nah, just gimme a Peppy and a Mary B, whoever the fuck she is. I understand why the Peppy is called the Peppy--it's full of pepperoni (I told you I'm smart)--but why is the Mary B called the Mary B? Is it full of Mary B? Well, if it is she tastes awesome and she must be huge because I've been eating little bits of her for ages now. I guess it works like transubstantiation, only tastier and more fulfilling and practical; a kind of southern fried hillbilly eucharist!

I race home to make sure these beautiful biscuit babies are still warm when I get to them. On second thought, you know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna eat the Peppy right away. I grab the bag and find the thinner of the two food-like things, unwrap it and begin to "go to town" on that biscuit like a hooker at a cock convention, when suddenly the car swerves onto the shoulder of the road, causing me to miss my initial bite of food! However, I manage to bring the car back into the lane with my free hand, thereby heroically saving my biscuits....and myself...and possibly pedestrians and property...and possums. Nevertheless, there's a casualty--my biscuit just spooged a cheddar cheese money shot all down the front of my shirt! Looks like that hooker metaphor is applicable in more ways than one now. Oh, well. I forgot just how sloppy these things are even when you're not engorging yourself with one while driving. No problem though. I'll clean up when I get back to my folks' house; right now my priority is to finish inhaling this superoni biscuit...and not wreck my car...in that order.

At last! I make it to my parent's house and into the kitchen, and at the prospect of finally getting around to eating one of my favorite foods ever I begin to experience a transcendant feeling of sheer and utter bliss, like a Buddhist attaining Nirvana or a penitent recieving absolution--that or I'm just reeling from a lack of oxygen due to not breathing while choking down the first biscuit. Nevertheless, I'm about to consume another biscuit so light, so buttery, so delicious, surrounding a firm, golden, downy scrambled egg, along with fresh, crunchy bacon and mouthwateringly warm and creamy cheddar cheese I can hardly stand it! With trembling hands, full of rapt awe, I unwrap and pick up this Holy Grail of atherosclerotic comestibles, this Golden Fleece of fluffy, flaky food fetishes, this--ah, shit! I dropped it in the dishwater!

Thank You For Everything, Les Paul

2009-08-13T20:29:00.009-04:00

Today Les Paul, legendary creator of the only electric guitar that really matters, the eponymous solid body musical wonder produced by Gibson, has passed on to that great gig in the sky. I am saddened more than I thought I would be over this event. Granted, he was 94 years old and I knew he wouldn't be around forever, but he was still rather spry and vigorous right up to the very end, so his passing comes as something of a powerful blow. His music, playing style, influence, legacy and his wonderful guitar forever altered my views on music, culture and life. He will be missed. He already is.

Lester William Polsfuss, known as Les Paul (June 9, 1915 – August 13, 2009) now jamming in heaven with Hendrix, Vaughan, Rhodes and Allman.

SARDONIC POSTER

2009-08-11T22:30:00.003-04:00

Click on image to enlarge. Enjoy. Or not.

I didn't create the photo used in this poster. It's actually an animated GIF file I found online. Here's the original. Scroll down about halfway into the comments section. It's pretty funny.

THEY TOOK MY BANKY WANKY! WAA, WAA, WAA. -- HEALTHER SKELTER UPDATE!!!!!!

2009-08-10T12:30:00.006-04:00

This is a repost of one of my first blogs because I think it is worth keeping the focus on just exactly what the GOP is all about, especially in light of all the healthcare town hall “protests” and the GOP’s completely disingenuous and disgusting fearmongering. Ostensibly this delusional Limbaugh logorrheic douchebaggery was about exacting revenge on the Democratic Party at some possible future point when the neocons theoretically regain control of Washington, but since the GOP has always been a bunch of duplicitous dickish fuckheads and never stopped being such, Limbaugh's whole theme hilariously undermines itself. But it was good of him to pretend otherwise and openly declare that in the future the GOP will become what the sane among us have known them to be all along. Nevertheless, while some of the original post's details are dated (obviously) the overarching themes are still timely and relevant and will be as long as President Obama is alive and in office: first, the neocon fuck-a-loons raison d'etre is to stop at nothing to fuck over the Democrats, and second, anyone with half a brain and even a modicum of time can easily refute any of the GOP's arguments and positions. Anyway, it’s a long post, so I don’t blame you if you skip it, but here it is…

I was surfing the web searching for Republican hardcore porn sluts when I came across this item (no pun intended). If you ever wanted to know what truly matters most to Rush Limbaugh and his conservative buddies then this transcript from his own website should make things crystal clear. It's a misguided, malevolent manifesto boldly declaring war on Democrats, liberals, logic, reason, truth, decency, African Americans and homeless people; basically, anything that stands in the way of total conservative hegemony in American politics and life. Actually, it's nothing but a paranoid, delusional hissy fit about retribution and payback. It reads like it was composed by a spoiled rotten, sulking little 6 year old kid who just needs to be spanked and sent to his room without dinner. This is from a grown man. Amazing. You can read the whole thing for yourselves, but I've highlighted the most egregious parts and the things he gets absolutely wrong by posting them here along with the necessary corrections, the appropriate links to my sources, and my wonderfully biting and amazingly satirical commentary. Italics and varied color are mine for emphasis and to keep my writing distinct from the Limbaugh transcript...

RUSH: I got an e-mail. This is from Susan in Virginia Beach. "Dear Rush: You are my professor. I am indebted to you for the knowledge that you have given me. You've always told us that you would tell us when it was time to panic. Well, so much for Rush’s listeners being free-thinking autonomous people if they need Rush to tell them when to panic! But Rush knows they're nothing of the sort, in fact he relies on it, or he'd tell them to stop calling themselves "dittoheads". He'd have no audience otherwise.

This next part is where he begins his little juvenile foot stamping tantrum where he explains how the conservatives will get back at all of those nasty wasty people in the Democratic party for all the meaney weaney things they've done to those poor widdle innocent Republicans...

RUSH: I'll give you a little hint. We're going to treat them the same way they have been treating us for years. We are going to subject them to the same things they have subjected us to, and we are going to have a big and strong and powerful government to wield against them because they're in the process of building it. And we're going to win it back one day, and when we win this country back, and this government back, we are going to deploy government against them the way they have been deploying it against us, and let them find out what it's like, and they're not going to be able to stop it, because they will not have a power base anywhere that will let them stop it. This isn’t a little hint, it’s basically all he says from here on out, simply restating it ad nauseam, never backing any of his assertions with facts to make his case, but when you‘re Rush Limbaugh you don‘t really need facts, just your say-so.

Here's where he makes his holy proclamation to his followers that he has surveyed the vista of the political horizon and determined...

RUSH: No, my friends, it's not time to panic, because nothing gets done in a panic. What we have to realize is this: the left, the Democrat Party, will not control the government forever. Phew! I was afraid that I was gonna panic without Rush’s approval! But in a more serious vein: Isn't it obvious to most sane, intelligent people that the Democrats won't stay in power forever? I mean, does Rush really think so little of his listeners that he needs to tell them that this fact needs to be realized? I know that I often have to talk to them like I would a 5 year old in order to make my point clear and understood, if at all, so I guess Rush does too.

This section is from the same transcript paragraph as above, but he's talking about lack of partisanship on behalf of the Obama people in Washington concerning the Stimulus Bill, but as usual it's either a half truth, or an outright lie...

RUSH: The conference negotiations are going on with not one Republican being permitted to participate. They weren’t permitted? No, that’s wrong. None of them would participate unless it was strictly on Republican terms, and since this is like saying, "Thank you for the dinner invitation. However, I won’t attend unless I get to pick what you serve for the meal", it’s completely disingenuous of you and them to claim they were locked out of the negotiations. Get your facts straight, Rush.

Here's an outright lie that anyone with a computer and access to the internet could verify, if they wanted to, but not if you're a Rush Limbaugh drone; you don't need no stinking facts! Rush said it. You believe it. That settles it!

RUSH: If they can give ACORN $4.1 billion then we can start paying our groups with federal money. Nowhere in the stimulus bill is ACORN singled out for funding nor is it even mentioned! What the bill does say is that funding will be provided "for neighborhood stabilization activities related to emergency assistance for the redevelopment of abandoned and foreclosed homes as authorized under division B, title III of the Housing and Economic Recovery Act of 2008". That’s hardly giving money to ACORN. In fact ACORN will not even apply for any funding. Here's a valuable link to the actual American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 so you can read for yourself what's in it.

Here's Limbaugh at his elitist, class warfariest, racist, sexist best, or worst, depending on your perspective, but I'll let you read for yourself...

RUSH: We have learned from you leftists. We have sat by, we have watched, and we've been too passive. We have sat on the sidelines as impotent observers, and we have trusted in the goodness and the decency of the American people. But you have even perverted them. It was a disgrace what was on display in Fort Myers, Florida, yesterday. It was an absolute saddening, shocking, depressing disgrace. And you have created that segment of America that has no faith in and of itself, no faith in this country, and thinks the only reason to talk to a president is to ask him for a kitchen, to ask him for a car. By the way, asking a president for a new car who hasn't even given his brother who lives in a hut a welcome home mat! I don't think he's given his brother a pot, much less a pan. A little context for this tirade: President Obama held one of his town hall meetings in Ft. Myers where a homeless woman merely described her situation and asked what Mr. Obama could do to help. But that wasn‘t what Limbaugh heard or saw. No, he heard her asking for both a car and a new kitchen, which she never did, and he heard people expecting things for free at the expense of the taxpayers. This woman caught the brunt of Limbaugh‘s fatuous, phony indignation, and I have to say that I can't help but believe it's because she's homeless, black and female--groups that Limbaugh on a regular basis belittles and denigrates, as detailed on the preceding website links. Damn, if only she had been handicapped, gay and Muslim. She would‘ve been the ultimate target! Anyone with one iota of humanity or compassion and without any resentful, paranoid delusions would simply have heard a woman telling her sad, compelling and, in this day, all too common story. As far as the charges that President Obama has not helped his half-brother to a pot to piss in, it seems that except for a recent marijuana possession arrest, George Obama appears to be doing just fine. He and President Obama are practically strangers and have only met twice, so it's not like there is a strong familial bond between them.

More Limbaugh idiocy follows...

RUSH: His brother lives in a nine-square-foot hut in Nairobi. You're asking the president of the United States...? God bless these people. What has this government done to them? What has the media in this country done to these people, depriving them of the very essence of humanity? No sense of self, no pride. This is what Democrats and the left do to people. They rob people of their humanity, of their goodness and their decency. They rob them of confidence. We are going to restore this. We are going to use the power of the government to tell people how good they can be, how important they are, and how much happier they will be if they're not looking to our president for the next kitchen or the car or a job. We're going to become activists. We'll take back our government. Hear that? Rush is calling Americans pathetic, saying that our self-worth is so tenuous and fragile as to be destroyed by a political party and that only he and his conservative cronies can restore it. He needs us to believe the possibility that a political party can destroy our self-worth in order to propose that another political party can fix it; in short, goverment is the answer, and he's trying to enable us to rely on it. Ironic, that the people can only be themselves (pure, righteous, good and decent) with the help of conservatives, with the help of government. Nah, not ironic. Just hypocritical. As usual. Also, did you notice the tell all statement: "We'll take back OUR government"? So, apparently, the government is not the people's, nor the many representative political parties' government, but the sole property of the Republican Party! Never forget he said that!

This part would be hilarious if it weren't so factually retarded and completely biased horseshit, but maybe that is what makes it funny...

RUSH: You know, we play by the rules all the time, and we aim for the hearts and minds of the American people, the American voter -- and these people are trying to dumb everybody down. Oh, really? Republicans play by the rules? Hmm... Now, both sides have been known to use questionable tactics to get what they want, but if you listen to this slimy, drippy, dickhole piece of shit you’d think the Republicans were innocent victims just trying to be honest, sincere, pious and holy participants in the political process. Poor Republicans. They'd never stoop to doing anything illegal, unethical or immoral to achieve their ends. Never. Why? They always play by the rules! Always!

Well, that's it. Fun, wasn't it? The rest of the transcript is just Limbaugh droning on and on and on about how the conservatives are going to fuck the Democrats when the opportunity finally presents itself. If you aren't outright perplexed, totally pissed off or completely drained of vomit by now then you're doing better than I am, but I trust that you at least found this blog interesting. Hopefully, the next time you hear Rush Limbaugh speak about less government, personal responsibility, self-worth, pride, freedom, and the liberal media bias you'll remember that he's full of shit; he speaks out of both corners of his mouth and the shit squirts out of each side. Never forget that his only concern and reason to exist is to spread misinformation in order to protect the conservative power base, and if that base has somehow managed to lose its authority he, and they, will lie, cheat, steal and impede all that's decent and honorable in order to help it regain its place. It's about nothing more than maintaining absolute control at all cost, no matter what's in the best interest of the American people. Don't be fooled.

I wrote this post 4 months ago and in that time the political climate has degenerated into the ugliest mess I have ever seen, and as far as I know Limbaugh hasn't yet given his peeps the go ahead to start panicking, so you have to wonder what things will be like when he does. Think about that for a moment and then see if you think things will get better or worse, or if you think civil discourse will have any genuinely positive affect on these people. All of which begs the question: if what Limbaush says is what the GOP is expected to do once it regains power is all of the hateful hooliganism and unhinged asshattery in the current political climate a sampling of what they will do to get that power back? Just how low will the GOP go? It remains to be seen, but I feel that it has an inexhaustible source of such scummy, slimy techniques from which to draw. And if anyone reading this post has sympathies for the GOP and wants to defend its indefensible positions and hatemongering fear tactics then get the fuck out of here now. You've proved over and over again that there's no reasoning with people who lack the ability to do so, therefore I won't waste your time or mine "debating". I, at least, respect you just enough to be honest with you in that regard. You won't even get that much from your false idol Lim-Ba'al and his cronies.

ADDENDUM: If the disruptive crazies protesting healthcare reform at the Town Hall meetings are called "healthers", shouldn't the chaos and turmoil created by them with GOP and Big Health Insurance backing and coordination be called "Healther Skelter"?

SARDONIC POSTER--NEW STUFF: SARAH PALIN EDITION!!!

2009-08-07T21:00:00.004-04:00

Click on image to enlarge. Enjoy. Or not.

I didn't put much effort into this poster and I know it's more inflammatory than fair, but fuck it. You can't tell me there isn't an underlying strain of this kind of GOP racist ideology underlying the healthcare "protests" and opposition to Mr. Obama's policies at these town hall meetings. Well, I guess you could tell me that, but you'd just show yourself to be a disingenuous, idiotic fuckwit. So save me your defense of these repugnant pukes and I'll stop calling you out with perfectly apt insults.

ADDENDUM: Sarah Palin/Eva Braun had to chime in with her "thoughts" on this healthcare stuff and the "protests":

The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's "death panel" so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their "level of productivity in society," whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."

And this gem where she singles out that paragon of rationality and sanity, Michele Bachmann, for being the voice of reason:

Rep. Michele Bachmann highlighted the Orwellian thinking of the president's health care advisor, Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel, the brother of the White House chief of staff, in a floor speech to the House of Representatives. I commend her for being a voice for the most precious members of our society, our children and our seniors.

Sarah Palin commends Michele Bachmann. Get that? That's rich! Talk about birds of a feather flocking together! In this case, the birds are a couple of loons. Holy fucking shit. This country is fucked up the yin yang. Between the racism and plain old stupidity coming from the right on this issue, no wonder people are acting like assholes at these town hall rallies.

WHAT IF BIRTHERS RAN THE DMV?

2009-08-05T04:00:00.011-04:00

Man in line at DMV: I'd like to get a driver's license.

DMV Birther: Ok, do you have two forms of ID?

Man: Yes, I have my social security card and my birth certificate.

Birther: Birth certificate, eh? How do I know it's legitimate?

Man: Well, unless you have good reason to doubt it why would you?

Birther: Don't get smart, sir. I need proof that it's a legitimate b.c.

Man: How would I go about doing that?

Birther: See, I can't really say how you would go about it because what I consider valid proof changes from one minute to the next, depending on my mood, what the goat entrails might reveal or what the high pitched screeching voices in my head tell me. Frankly, it's a crap shoot. The point is that I know I need something valid to prove the legitimacy of your b.c. and while I don't know what that proof is now, I'll know it when I see it.

Man: So you need something legitimate to validate the legitimacy of my birth certificate, but you won't know what it is until you see it, yet you expect me to know what you require as proof? Where does it end? What's to stop you from then needing something else to validate the legitimacy of the proof used to validate the legitimacy of my b.c.? And so on and so on and so on, ad infinitum?

Birther: Exactly, so you better get started! Unless you're trying to hide something. Anyway, our hours are posted--

Man: This is unbelievable! What could I possibly have to hide?

Birther: Sir, I have no idea what you may have to hide, and I'm not saying that you do have something to hide. I'm just saying that it looks pretty fishy that you can't provide any proof that you have nothing to hide. That's all.

Man: But there's really no way I can satisfy your "criteria" for proof!

Birther: See? I knew you were from Kenya!

JUST SOME SIMPLE, RANDOM THOUGHTS ON GOP TREACHERY, GIVIN' SOME PROPS AND AN EXHORTATION...

2009-08-01T08:00:00.012-04:00

FUCK THE GOP AND FUCK BIPARTISANSHIP. WE CAN'T LET THEM GET AWAY WITH THIS BLATANT HORSESHIT! MORE ON MONDAY.

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Also, I got word that the Blogger notifications weren't working on Wednesday, at least Blogger didn't notify on this blog post, so here's a new notice:

Die Fledermaus Und Michelle Malkin: The Epic Saga of Another Liberal Scandal Contrived To Make Her Look Batty And Shit...

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And one more thing, Matt from over at OsborneInk.com made an animated GIF file of the above blog's two Michelle Malkin images and posted it on his blog. Check it out, but more importantly check out his blog. He's one helluva a blogger and his site is terrific: well researched and informed, great writing and logically superior in exposing bullshit. He does some really great work so go show him some support and spread the word about his webpage.

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Have a great weekend everyone. Stay out of trouble and be good to each other. We're all we have.

MORNING MUSIC MAYHEM!!!! EXTREEEEEEEME EDITION!

2009-08-01T06:00:00.001-04:00

Just kidding. Nope, just the extremely amazing gem called Hold On, Hold On by the equally amazing gem named Neko Case.

Die Fledermaus Und Michelle Malkin: The Epic Saga of Another Liberal Scandal Contrived To Make Her Look Batty And Shit...

2009-07-29T18:00:00.002-04:00

On a recent edition of Hardball with Chris Matthews guest Michelle Malkin, in a continued effort to lower the bar for conservative outrageousness, reinforced her reputation by devouring a live bat during a commercial interlude. According to Chris Matthews, "We had just gone to break when Michelle reached into her blouse, pulled out a small, squeaking bat, threw it up in the air and snagged the poor animal with her long, prehensile, reptilian tongue. I couldn't believe it. I thought I'd seen it all when Pat Buchanan beat a river otter to death with a circus midget that one time on Crossfire, but I think this incident really takes the cake."

When Matthews asked Malkin to explain her actions, she stated, "What? I was hungry so I had a snack. What's the problem?" When told that eating live bats wasn't the kind of behavior usually exhibited by political pundits, at least in public, Mrs. Malkin reportedly screeched, "Oh, right! Like Asian, anchor baby conservatives are the only ones who eat zesty, exotic snacks! Typical! Looks like another personal smear to make me look bad. I can see the headlines now, 'Michelle Malkin Eats Too Much, Getting Fat'. I bet you never criticize Michelle Obama for eating between meals, you liberal jerkwad!" Enraged she stormed off of the set.

According to one source, at the point of Malkin's departure, Matthews was seen shaking his head and heard saying to no one in particular, "As usual, she misses the point. God, that bitch is one infuriatingly stupid fucking piece of crazy! I really can't stand that melodramatic, grandstanding butt-spunk. Bat goes in, bat shit comes out. Still, I guess it could've been worse. At least it wasn't William Kristol and his talking rectal fissures, Anus and Andy. Ugh!" Upon ending his tirade, the crew of Hardball gave Matthews a hearty round of applause.

Malkin could not be reached for comment as she is currently at an undisclosed location recuperating from a savage assault from a gang of dildo wielding macaques. The macaques are still at large and considered extremely hilarious...

On a side note, it's rumored that upon hearing of the amount of attention Malkin garnered with her unhinged Hardball shenanigans that Glenn Beck, never one to be outdone, began looking for a way to insert the remains of Ayn Rand into his vagina for his appearance on Larry King Live next week.

So, I Called Sarah Palin...

2009-07-28T06:00:00.007-04:00

Yesterday, I called Sarah Palin to see if she would mind explaining some of the points she was trying to make in her resignation speech on Sunday. As a concerned and patriotic American citizen I felt it was my duty to follow up on this matter. Indeed, I had no choice--I was compelled to do this.

Below is the phone call transcript:

Zirgar: Hello, may I speak with Mrs. Sarah Palin?

Voice on other end: This is she, how may I help ya? Support the troops!

Zirgar: Yeah, uh...Hi. My name is, uh... Zirgar, and I'm a concerned, private citizen and I was just wanting to hear for myself what it is you were trying to say in your resignation speech on Sunday. I don't trust the liberal media to allow your words to go unfiltered and unmoderated, so here I am coming to the source...

Palin: Oh, gosh. I guess so. It sure was pretty self-explanatory, but if ya want I can clear everything up for ya. Before I begin though, my kids are off limits.

Zirgar: I agree. I'd certainly never make more out of them than you feel inclined to do for your own benefit. Anyway, thank you. I'd really appreciate hearing your clarification.

Palin: Good. Oh, sure. Ya betcha. So, where do I begin? Let me start off last by saying that well, although it's a rim shot that casts balance off the politics as usual side of the bus to foment the dry mouthed crisis of the wintry road that leads lame duck politicians to where we need solace and belly dancing as per, yadda, yadda, yadda, do nothing goober peas of full insight that measures us against itself and not much.

Zirgar: Huh?

Palin: What?

Zirgar: With all due respect Mrs. Palin, what did you just say?

Palin: When?

Zirgar: Just now. Can you clarify your clarification?

Palin: Oh, for sure. Gosh, I love Alaska so we're not going to be not what we are to feel now our true things that see Democracy's light so we can go and stop end of term status quo that's out of baby dimples that make sure we're thrashing good old American hardwood bits when we've gone and been the tried and true of the love of the troops! With distributed cans of juicy walrus meat for little Hollywood starlets to make good momma grizzlies feel the need to be sure there was not any kind of happening idea values to confuse position flexibles or fill in heads of bad vibes and woodpeckers with. And also blippity blappity mavericky doo.

Zirgar: I'm not sure you're speaking English. Is that Aleut you're speaking?

Palin: Let me just say, in fact, straight talk per Washington insiders drawing in some of the biased East Coast liberal media elite point guards on full court press slam dunks within the aluminum foil lecture circuits! Cap and tax burning away many oil farms in delightful Denali tourist industry profits from continued Alaska independence in roughing it for sparking off optimistic wilderness wonderland of dead catfish going with the flow as funded by the government handout socialists in positive newspaper headlines who are saying double duty oil drilling rocker docker flicker flippity jippity zippity floo into the future and behind in. And one more thing--Oh, look! Is that one of those blacks? (speaking away from phone) Todd, we have the blacks up here now? What? Oh, she's just a reporter? Dang. Anyway, now where was I? Oh, yeah--

Zirgar: Uggghhh! Never-fucking-mind!

I could hear her still blathering away as I hung up the phone and promptly vomitted.